Redneck Shrek
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: COMPLETE! Parody of Shrek duh! Major RAHM, slight JUBBY. Most likely Evan and JOTTbashing. Rated just in case! Flames welcome!
1. Hey Now, Youre an Ogre

**..: Hey Now, You're an Ogre :..**

Shrek – Sam Guthrie / Cannonball

Fiona – Rahne Sinclair / Wolfsbane

Donkey – Bobby Drake / Iceman the Assicle

Lord Farquaad – Pietro Maximoff / Quicksilver

Dragon – Jubilation Lee / Jubilee

Gingerbread Man – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Magic Mirror – Monkey Dude (Mastermind)

Pinocchio – St. John Allerdyce / Pyro

Robin Hood – Remy LeBeau / Gambit

Thelonius – Fred Dukes / Blob

3 Blind Mice – Alex Forge Ray (Ed, Edd, and Eddy! Couldn't resist)

3 Bears – Baby Jamie Mama Jean Papa Scott

Wolf – Lance Alvers / Avalanche

3 Little Pigs – Kurt Wagner Nightcrawler (btw, if you haven't already, go read the ficcie **Drei** by Mieren)

Anyone I've Forgotten – Other People

Yesh, I know that I said before that Scott would be Lord Farquaad, but then instead I decided that Pietro has such a big ego, it'd be funnier (ya know, the whole compensating thing. Ahem). Plus, I hadn't noticed until now, Lord F gets a boner when he's watching that video clip of Fiona. Yuck. Scott is not that nasty. Pietro, however, is an incredibly easy target like that.

**HEY YOU! YES YOU! GO READ THIS! **Okee, glad I got your attention! These are all the parodies that **EE's Skysong** has dibs on. Please note that this list is here as much for my memory as it is for yours.

Spirited Away

Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope

Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi

(By the way, I have dibs on Star Wars eps I-III. Hey, Skysong, we should do those simultaneously! Yeah!)

The Tenth Kingdom

Bartok the Magnificent (I totally missed this coming out on video, BTW)

The Last Unicorn (STORGE!)

Men in Black

Aladdin

Legally Blonde

O Brother, Where Art Thou (I still need to watch this movie…shame on me)

Scooby Doo!

My Boss's Daughter

Dogma

The Emperor's New Groove (LUVV LUVV LUVV!)

Spider-Man

And I can only assume that she's also doing Spider-Man 2. I like those movies, although I **despise** Kirsten Dunst. I did like her acting in **Interview with the Vampire**, though. So young, so mature…then she grew up.

And just for the heck of it, cuz I'm on a little movie-list binge here, these are the ones I'm parodying!

Shrek 2 (duh)

X-Men: The Movie (Rogue will kill me, hehehe)

X2: X-Men United (Logan will kill me, hehehe)

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

(Those will be parodied whenever Skysong decides to parody IV-VI)

10 Things I Hate About You (I'll be doing that after I finish this one)

Not Another Teen Movie

Hercules

Miss Congeniality

And I'm **considering** parodying:

Bring it On (the stupid bunny won't leave me alone; on the other hand, I hate Kirsten Dunst; on the other hand, I have practically the entire cast…)

The New Guy (I could've sworn Skysong was going to do this)

Interview with the Vampire (rather dark…but also funny…but also dark)

Finding Nemo

Elf

Spy Kids

Holes

BTW, since all of those are "considerings", go ahead and pick one of them up and run with it if you like.

DISCLAIMER: "Remember, Lauren, bananas and POOF! You BLOSSOM!"

* * *

Sam Guthrie was on the run from Forge. Why, you ask? No, it wasn't because he had wrecked one of Forge's inventions, and no, it wasn't because he had insulted Forge in any way.

No, he was on the run because Forge was trying to turn him into an ogre.

So you'd think that if he found a plateful of Rogue's fried chicken lying around oh-so-innocently on the floor, he'd be at least a TEENY bit suspicious.

Not a chance. But it was partially understandable – no one could resist Rogue's fried chicken. (1) Well, aside from Kitty, being a vegetarian. So if there's a plate full of the stuff lying oh-so-innocently and completely untouched on the floor, you can't help but dive for it.

Which is exactly what Sam did.

Two seconds later, he found himself hanging upside down by the ankle from the ceiling.

Three seconds later, he found himself face-to-face with Forge. "I can't believe you actually fell for that," Forge said, shaking his head disappointedly.

"Two words," Sam said. "Rogue's fried chicken." (2)

"…That was three words," Forge said.

Sam shrugged and bit into a drumstick. Forge also shrugged and fired his RLLT (Red Lethal-Looking…Thing) at him.

And Sam grew a cute button nose, thick wavy locks, and taut, round buttocks. (3) Rahne happened to walk by at the time, took one look, and fainted. Although whether it was because of Sam or the chicken, we may never know.

Forge glanced down at his RLLT. "Weird," he said. "I thought I set it for 'ogre'…" He started pushing buttons on the RLLT.

Bobby walked in. "Do I smell Rogue's fried chicken?" he said, stopping abruptly right in front of the doorway to sniff at the air.

Forge looked up. "Oh, hey, Bobby!" he said. "Wanna help me with my new and possibly dangerous invention? Thanks!" Without waiting for an answer, he fired it at him.

Bobby screamed and dove to the side. The ray ended up hitting Jubes, who had just walked in behind him.

She turned into a red-eyed black dragon.

"Huh," Forge said. "I set it for blue-eyed white Pegasus." (4)

"My guess is that the gun turns the person into the opposite that you set it as," Bobby said, getting up. "And why were you going to turn me into a blue-eyed white Pegasus?"

"Because The Authoress is going to parody Disney's **Hercules** with you as Pegasus," Forge said. "Despite the fact that the movie is ridiculously historically inaccurate."

"Ohhhhhh," Bobby said, nodding as if he knew exactly what Forge was talking about.

"Um, can someone change me back?" Jubes asked.

Forge pressed a few buttons on his RLLT and fired it at Jubes.

Two seconds later, she was now a dark pink dragon with green eyes.

"Much better," Forge said.

"I thought you were going to change me back!" Jubes yelled.

"Never said that," Forge said. "Besides, I need you as Dragon anyway."

Jubes glared at him.

Then she breathed fire at him.

Actually, she instead ended up breathing a volley of fireworks at him that nonetheless blasted through the wall and exploded just outside.

"That would be so cool…if it didn't almost kill someone," Bobby said.

"That reminds me," Forge said, adjusting his RLLT and shooting Bobby. Bobby turned into a midget ice donkey.

"Can someone please get meh down from here?" Sam asked. "The blood is starting to go to mah head."

Forge shot Sam, who turned green and landed on his head.

"What?" Bobby said. "I have to be an Assicle, but he still gets to look like himself?"

"No, he's not himself," Forge said. "He's green and has a lot more muscle."

"But-" Bobby began. Forge held up his BLLT warningly. "Shutting up," he said.

Pietro ran in. "Do I smell Rogue's fried chicken?" he said.

Sam hid the plate behind his back. "No," he said.

Forge shot Pietro, who immediately shrunk to half his height. "BUT I'M NOT EVEN NEEDED YET!"

"Neither's Jubes," Forge said. "But since she's stuck like that, so are you."

Rahne finally regained consciousness. "Quick!" Bobby said. "Start the parody before she looks at Sam and faints again."

Too late. Rahne took one look at Sam's muscles (ooh…six-pack) and fell over again.

"…Oh well."

The lights went out. "Did Ray short out the fusebox again?" Bobby asked, and was slapped by Jubes. "Ow!"

Then some shimmery spotlight landed on a leather-bound book, which magically opened. Either that, or Rogue zapped Jean and used her TK.

Sam's disembodied voice started reading. "Once upon a tahm there was a lovely princess." On the page was a picture of Rahne in a princess dress standing near a castle. "But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss." The page turned to a picture of Dragon!Jubes breathing fireworks. "She was locked away in a castle guarded by a fahrwork-breathin' Jubilation. Many brave knahts had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the Jubilation's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, where she waited for her true love and true love's first kiss. Aw, that sounds romantic," Sam's disembodied voice sighed as there was a sound of a door opening and closing.

Then there was a high-pitched shriek. "What the bloody hell are you doing in here?" an Aussie voice demanded.

"…This isn't Ray's room, is it?" Sam's disembodied voice asked. "Ah was just gonna return his book."

"That book?" the Aussie's voice demanded. Then, "Oh, thanks, I just ran out of toilet paper." A hand ripped the page out from the book. "Now get out!"

There was a sound of a toilet flushing as Sam got shoved out of an outhouse, book still in hand. He looked back at the door and shuddered. Then a fingerless-gloved hand casually reached over and charged up the book.

"Holy-!" Sam tossed it away just in time. Remy grinned and started singing.

**Somebody once told me**

**De world is gonna roll me**

**I ain' de sharpest tool in de shed**

Sam stared out at the place in front of him. Somehow, the entire place had been turned into a swamp. "Ah am definitely not in Bayville anymore," (5) he said to himself. "What a weird power outage."

**She was lookin' kinda dumb**

**Wit' her finger and her t'umb**

**In de shape of an 'L' on her forehead**

**Well**

Sam scooped up a bucketful of mud. The slime resettled to form the words "Redneck Shrek."

**De years start comin'**

**And dey don' stop comin'**

**Fed to de rules**

**And I hit de ground runnin'**

Sam hung the bucket on a high tree branch and took a mud shower.

Rahne immediately regained consciousness. "Aw, he's wearing boxers!" she said.

**Didn' make sense not to live for fun**

**Y' brain gets smart but y' head gets dumb**

**So much to do**

**So much to see**

**So what's wrong wit' takin' de backstreets**

Sam gargled some mud around in his mouth and spat it out onto the ground to spell out "Sam Guthrie."

**Y'll never know if y' don' go**

**Y'll never shine if y' don' glow**

Sam spread some bugpaste on his toothbrush and brushed his teeth in front of a mirror.

**Hey now**

**Y'r an all-star**

**Get y' game on**

**Go play**

He smiled into the mirror, which shattered and fell to reveal the words "Bobby Drake."

**Hey now**

**Y'r a rock star**

**Get de show on**

**Get paid**

Sam jumped into the pond.

The end.

"You're supposed to fart," Forge stage-whispered.

"Ah doan want ta!" Sam said. Ooh, he's a rebel!

Forge shrugged, opened a bottle of some liquid, and tossed it in the pond.

**And all dat glitters is gold**

**Only shootin' stars break de mold**

A fish came floating up.

"What was that?" Bobby asked Forge.

"Scott's cologne," Forge said.

Sam grabbed the fish, and the plant seed thingies formed the words "Rahne Sinclair."

**It's a cool place**

**And dey say it gets colder**

**Y'r bundled up now**

**But wait till y' get older**

Sam shoved a ton of mud out of a hollow log.

**But de meteor men beg to differ**

**Judgin' by de hole **

**In de satellite picture**

Sam grabbed a huge slug out of the mud, and the maggots underneath rearranged themselves to from the words "Pietro Maximoff" before they scattered.

**De ice we skate is gettin' pretty t'in**

**De water's gettin' warm**

**So y' might as well swim**

**M' world's on fire**

**How 'bout y'rs**

Sam painted a picture, kissed it, and stuck it on a sign. It said "BEWARE: OGRE" and had a picture of him underneath it.

**Dat's de way I like it**

**And I'll never get bored**

IN SOME VILLAGE…

A sign on the door said "WANTED: OGRES. REWARD." The door burst open, and Angry Villager People (AKA Duncan, Paul, Taryn, and Kelly) ran out.

**Hey now**

**Y'r an all-star**

**Get y' game on**

**Go play**

**Hey now**

**Y'r a rock star**

**Get de show on**

**Get paid**

**And all dat glitters is gold**

Duncan and Kelly grabbed pitchforks, Paul grabbed a torch, and Sam grabbed a spoon.

**Only shootin' stars break de mold**

He was eating devilled eggs made into little eyeballs (stick one of those green olives with red thingies in the middle, and they do look like eyes) as a snack.

DPTK ran across the field into the swamp, holding up their torches and pitchforks.

Sam lit a match, burped, and lit the fireplace.

"Keep John AWAY!" Forge yelled.

"FIRE!" John yelled.

"John," Wanda said.

"Yeah?" John asked.

"You're made of wood now," she said. "Think about that."

"No, I'm not!" John said. His nose grew a foot.

**Hey now**

**Y'r an all-star**

**Get y' game on**

**Go play**

DPTK had now entered the Swamp.

**Hey now**

**Y'r a rock star**

**Get de show on**

**Get paid**

**And all dat glitters is gold**

Sam stuck his head out his window, saw DPTK, rolled his eyes, and walked off.

**Only shootin' stars break de mold**

DPTK tiptoed toward Sam's house. Sam tiptoed after them.

Kelly pushed apart some of the leaves and peered at Sam's house. "Think it's in there?" he said.

"All right," Duncan said. "Let's get it!"

"Whoa, hold on!" Kelly grabbed the back of Duncan's jacket. "Do you know what that thing can do to you?"

"Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread," Taryn said.

There was a laugh, and DPTK whirled around to see Sam standing behind them. "Actually, that's a giant," Sam said. "Doan yah know yoah nursery rhymes?" He shrugged. "Anyway, ogres are much worse. They'll…make a suit from yoah freshly peeled skin. They'll shave yoah liver, squeeze the jelly from yoah eyes. Actually, it's quite good on toast," he added thoughtfully.

Paul then did an incredibly stupid thing. He waved his torch in front of Sam. "Back, freak!" he yelled. "I'm warning you!"

Sam then hocked a really big loogie, effectively putting out Paul's torch. Paul laughed nervously. "Right."

Sam paused. "Do Ah **have** to do tha big roaring thang?" he said.

Forge nodded, keeping a carefully blank face.

Sam blinked. "Um. Roar."

Bobby (he's still an Assicle, mind) burst out laughing. "That was pathetic!" he gasped.

"C'mon, you can do better than that!" Jubes said encouragingly. Although, considering she's a firework-spewing Jubilation (for some reason, the word Dragilation puts an image of ecstatic men in drag, so we'll stick with Jubilation, since I've scarred your minds too), it came out more fear-inspiring.

Sam opened his mouth to try again…

And roared like a lion.

Seriously, he sounded just like Mufasa.

"…Where did that come from?" Rogue asked. Then every head in the vicinity snapped around to look at Forge.

"Why does everyone look at **me** when something weird happens?" Forge demanded. "And I didn't do anything this time, either!"

Bobby nodded sagely. Although, considering he's an Assicle, it didn't come off as very sagely at all. More like bobble-head. "It must've been a little miracle called _je ne sais pas et je ne soin pas_," (6) he said.

"In other words, who cares what caused it, we're just glad it worked?" Jamie asked.

"Basically," Jubes said.

* * *

(1) – I once read a ficcie where Rogue used her fried chicken to bribe Bobby into being a nice little punchbunny or something like that…something tells me Skysong wrote it. I'm too lazy to check, though.

(2) – I believe Bobby did something similar to this in X Mulan 2. Anyway, it's a ref to **Not Another Teen Movie**, when Austin says, "Two words, Jake: Prom Queen…material." I LUVERZ Austin!

(3) – If you haven't seen **Shrek 2**, that's what Shrek says after he wakes up and finds out he's sexy.

(4) – Two refs. Pegasus is from Disney's **Hercules**. I currently have a plotbunny locked up in my closet from that. It flew at me the millisecond Hades said 'sunspot'. Red Eyes Black Dragon is from **Yu-Gi-Oh!**, as is Blue Eyes White Dragon. My cousin taught me ALL about the card game and show a few Thanksgivings ago, when he was obsessed with it. However, I still have one very important question about it: What was Yugi on when he designed his hair? Oh yeah, Fun Fact: In **Shrek 2**, when Donkey drank the potion, Dragon turned into a Pegasus. I find it disappointing that we didn't get to see her as that, but she was probably taking care of the little Dronkeys anyway.

(5) – Follow the yellow brick road! **Wizard of Oz**, duh. And Shrek says a line similar to that in **Shrek 2**.

(6) – I don't know and I don't care. Ignorance and apathy. Well, I'm not 100 percent sure about _soin_ meaning care, but that's what it says on Babelfish. And in my trusty little franglais dictionary (honestly, though, how can you call a 2 inch-thick dictionary compact?).

Um…yeah. Review, please! I have no clue when the next chappie will be up. I've only written about two pages of it.


	2. Spoken Like a True Assicle

**..: Spoken Like a True Assicle :..**

Wow, this is a fast update for me!

**Enigmagirl2727** – Yes, I know, I gotta watch that movie. Yeah, Skysong, get cracking on that one! Right after The Last Unicorn and MiB and Star Wars…okee, it might be a while.

**Psychobunny410** – Ooh! Totally! We should totally do Interview with the Vampire together! Yep, I LUVERZ the book and the movie. I still need to read the other books, though.

**Ari** – Yes, I got that! Nah, it's all good. I mean, you're not **really** yelling at me. And yesh, I will be doing this all the way up the karaoke ending. Hehehe, I love the Samp Karaoke Dance Party!

**EE's Skysong** – You're a vegetarian? Whoa, I didn't know that! Cool! My sis is! Huh, last time I checked the DVD, they didn't mention that Dragon turned into a Pegasus. I was on IMDb(dotcom), and under the trivia for Shrek 2, it said that. All right! I will be doing the New Guy! After Shrek 2, probably. Riding da white pony!

**SuperFlyDblOhZero** – Thanks! I'll be updating this as often as I can.

**Cat2fat900** – Yesh, anything Scott-related tends to be mind-scarring. AUGH! EW! (runs into wall) Thanks for the warning, though. Yesh, I do think Yugi was on crack when he designed his hair. I'm updating! Soon! Tell the nice squirrels to please leave me alone…don't make me send my bunnies after them!

DISCLAIMER: HAVE YOU MET THE FARMHAND?

* * *

Forge was trying to get Jamie into Baby Bear's cage. "Get in the cage!" he yelled.

"BUT THIS CAGE IS TOO SMALL!" Jamie complained.

"Stop bumping into things, then!" Forge said.

"Oh," Jamie said, and all of his multiples disappeared. Then, "THIS CAGE IS TOO BIG!"

"You just enjoy giving people migraines, don't you?" Forge asked him.

"Just fulfilling my duty as annoying little brother figure!" Jamie said happily.

"Well," Forge said. "Technically now you're an annoying little bear."

"Yep!" Jamie said proudly. "That's me! Glad I didn't have to wait in that line." He nodded at, well, a line. A line full of fairy tale creatures and the TRAITORS that turned them in! Evil little shits… (1)

Anyway, Evan the Head Captain Soldier Dude Man (aka HCSDM) was sitting behind a table and had just broken Wanda's broom. "Your flying days are over," he said to her.

Wanda just stared. "Just because my name's The Scarlet WITCH doesn't mean I fly on a broomstick!" she yelled. Then she grabbed a coffeemaker and flew off on it, cackling madly.

Forge blinked. "John must've finally gotten to her," he said.

Jean the Ugly Hag and Bobby the Assicle were waiting patiently in line. Well, not really. Bobby was downright panicking. "Please don't turn me in," he babbled. "I'll never be stubborn again. I can change! Please give me another chance!"

"Oh, shut up!" Jean snapped, bringing her arm back to bitchslap him.

"CHILD ABUSE!" Bobby screamed. No one cared.

"Next," Evan called out dully. Scott walked up and dumped Johnocchio onto the table. "Whaddya got?" Evan asked.

"This little wooden puppet," Scott said.

"I'm not a puppet!" Johnocchio said indignantly. "I'm a real boy!" His nose grew a foot.

"Five shillings for the possessed toy," Evan said, handing Scott five coins as Fred dragged Johnocchio away.

Jean walked up with Bobby. "I've got a talking donkey," she said.

"…Riiiiiiiiight," Evan said. "Well, that's worth 10 shillings…" He paused dramatically. "If you can prove it."

Jean took off the rope that was around Bobby's snout. ASSICLE ABUSE! Bobby, making a wise decision for once, didn't say a word.

"He's just a little shy," Jean said. She grabbed Bobby's snout and made it move while talking out of the corner of her mouth. "I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest darn thing you ever saw!"

"Fred!" Evan yelled. Fred picked her up and started dragging away. She kept right on babbling about him being able to talk, and even ended up knocking over a little cage that had the Southernbelle in it. "Why do I have to be the stupid pixie?" Rogue demanded.

"Because Remy's the Gingerbread Man," Forge said.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Rogue demanded.

"Well, in Shrek 2's Far Far Away Idol, Gingy and Tinkerbell do a duet," Forge said.

"So?" Rogue said.

"Well…the dress brings out your eyes?" Forge tried.

Rogue just glared.

Forge sighed. "When will the Authoress make a Storge?"

Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler bamfed in. (2) "Considering you're-"

"-the unofficial director of-"

"-all of the Authoress's parodies, I'd-"

"-say your chances of that are-"

"-slim to none." (3)

"Damn," Forge said.

Back to the parody! So Jean knocked over the Southernbelle's cage, knocking some pixie dust over on Bobby. "Hey!" Bobby said. "I can fly!"

Pietro Pan stared up at him. "He can fly!"

"He can talk!" Evan said.

"That's right!" Bobby said. "You've probably seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly. But I bet you've never seen an Assicle fly!" Just then the pixie dust wore off. "Oh, crap." And he landed unceremoniously on the ground.

"Seize him!" Evan yelled, and Lucid and Façade leaped for Bobby. Bobby ducked, and they instead ended up headbutting each other. Bobby took off running into the forest, the Morlocks hot on his heels.

Ya gotta admit, he runs pretty fast for having über short legs. Of course, he looked back behind him as he ran, and, of course, in doing so, ran straight into Sam.

Bobby heard the Morlocks catching up behind him. Hm, Morlocks or ogre…Morlocks or ogre…ya know, it really isn't that hard of a choice. Especially considering Evan's on one of those sides. Bobby hid behind Sam.

The Morlocks screeched to a halt when they saw Sam. "You there!" Evan said. "Ogre." He pulled a scroll with a fancy "P" emblazoned on the back. "By the order of Lord Pietro…I can't believe I have to work for him…"

"The Authoress is-"

"-very sadistic about-"

"-that sort of thing," Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler said.

Evan rolled his eyes, but continued. "I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated…" Sam was slowly advancing on Evan. "…Resettlement…facility."

"Oh, really?" Sam said. "Yah and what army?"

Evan turned around and saw that all the Morlocks had turned tail and abandoned him not too long ago. He took the hint and ran away as fast as he could in the opposite direction.

Sam turned and started walking away, paying Bobby absolutely no heed at all. "Can I ask you something?" Bobby asked Sam.

Sam turned around. "Are yah talkin' ta-" He realized he was talking to thin air. Or thick air, whichever you like. "-Meh?" He turned back around and almost ran over Bobby. "Whoa!"

"Yes, I was talking to you," Bobby said cheerfully. "Can I just tell you that you were great back there? I mean, those Morlocks! I mean, they thought they were all that, then you showed up, and BAMF!"

Kurt bamfed in. "Oops, sorry," he said, and bamfed back out.

Bobby kept right on talking. "They were tripping over themselves like babes in a wood. That really made me feel good to see that."

"Oh, that's great," Sam said. "Really."

"Man, it's good to be free," Bobby said.

"Then why doan yah go celebrate yoah freedom with yoah own friends?" Sam said.

"But, uh," Bobby said. "I don't have any friends. Wait yes I do!" he added. "I mean, in real life, I do. Just not in this parody…I'M NOT A LONER!" He ran after Sam. "You're a mean, green, fighting machine," he said to him. "Together we'll scare the spit out of anyone that crosses us!"

Unsurprisingly, Bobby was starting to tick Sam off. Sam turned at Bobby and did the Mufasa Roar again.

Bobby was completely unfazed. "Wow!" he said. "That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that doesn't work, then your breath will certainly get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic-Tacs or something, 'cause your breath stinks!"

"Ah brushed mah teeth with bugpaste," Sam said. "What do yah expect?"

"Fair enough," Bobby said, and Sam walked off.

He only got a few feet away before Bobby's head popped down from a log Sam was walking under. "You almost melted the hair in my nose!" he said. "Just like the time that-"

Sam clamped his hand over Bobby's snout. "…That would be a scary saht," he said. He took his hand off Bobby's snout. "Why are yah followin' meh?" He walked off without even waiting for an answer.

"I'll tell you why," Bobby said, hopping down from the log.

'**Cause I'm all alone**

**There's no one here beside meeeee**

**My problems have all gone**

**There's no one to deride meeeeeeee**

**But you gotta have friends-**

"Stop singin'!" Sam yelled. "It's no wonder yah doan have any friends!"

"I **DO** have friends, I'M NOT A LONER!" Bobby yelled. "I mean, WOW. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. I get that from Jubes all the time," he added.

"Listen, little Assicle," Sam said. "Take a look at me. What am Ah?"

"Uh…" Bobby looked at Sam. "Really tall?"

"No!" Sam said. "Well, yes, Ah am tall. But Ah'm an ogre! Yah know, 'Grab yoah torches and pitchforks.' Doesn't that bother yah?"

Bobby shook his head. "Nope!"

"Really?" Sam said, surprised.

"Really really," Bobby said.

"Oh."

"Man, I like you!" Bobby said. "What's your name?"

"Uh…Sam," Sam said.

Bobby looked at him oddly. "Was it just me, or did you actually have to think about that for a minute?"

"It's just yah," Sam said.

"Oh, okay!" Bobby said cheerfully. "Well, do you know what I like about you, Sam? You've got that kind of I-don't-care-what-anybody-thinks-of-me thing. I respect that."

They finally climbed over a hill and got to the swamp. "Whoa!" Bobby said. "Look at that! Who'd want to live in a place like that?"

"That would be mah home," Sam said.

"Oh!" Bobby said. "And it's lovely! Just beautiful! You are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget." He stopped in front of a boulder. "I like that boulder," he said. "That is a nice boulder."

Sam and Bobby passed by all of Sam's signs that said things like "Keep Out", "Beware: Ogre", and stuff like that. "So, uh, I guess you don't entertain much, do you?" Bobby said.

"Ah lahk mah privacy," Sam said.

"Me too!" Bobby said. "That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You're trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. Then there's that big awkward silence, you know?"

Cue big awkward silence.

"…Can I stay with you?" Bobby said.

"What?" Sam said.

"Can I stay with you, please?" Bobby said.

"Of course!" Sam said.

"Really?" Bobby asked.

"No."

"Please!" Bobby said. "I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! …Well, maybe you do. Actually, we all do," he added thoughtfully. "But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay! PLEASE!"

"Okay, okay!" Sam said. "But one naht only."

"THANK YOU!" Bobby exclaimed, running inside and jumping onto a chair. "This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swapping manly stories, and in the morning, I'm making waffles!"

Sam strangled the air.

"Uh…where do I sleep?" Bobby asked.

"Outsahd!" Sam said, pointing. Bobby walked out, ears drooping. "…Whah do Ah always have ta be tha mean person?" (4)

LATER…

Sam was just about to eat a lovely dinner. Well, lovely on ogre standards. On regular standards, it looked like a cross between something out of a Halloween movie and cafeteria food. He was just about to dig in when there was a creaking noise. "Ah thought Ah told ya ta stay outsahd!" Sam said.

"I am outside!" Bobby said, poking his head through the window. Sam turned around and saw the shadow of a…thing run by.

Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler bamfed in, grabbed Forge's RLLT, and shot it at Alex, Forge, and Ray.

"But I'm the Director!" Forge yelled at Kurt. Actually, he yelled at a spot a couple feet away from Kurt, considering the three were now the Three Blind Eds.

"Yeah, well-"

"-Jubes is taking over for-"

"-a little because of the whole-"

"-fair tale creature refuge thing, and-"

"-you, Alex, and Ray are the-"

"-voices of Ed, Edd, and Eddy."

Forge glared at them. Not that you could really tell, since he's wearing glasses and all.

Alex was tapping away with his cane on Sam's dinner table. "Well, dudes," he said. "It's a far cry from Hawaii, but what choice do we have?" He then tripped over Sam's spoon.

"It's not home," Forge said, knocking over a container full of eyeballs, "But it'll do just fine."

Ray sat down on a very squishy slug. "Nice bed," he said.

Sam grabbed Ray. "Gotcha!"

"I found some cheese!" Ray said, and bit into Sam's ear. "No, wait, it's Sam's ear."

"…How do you know that?" Jubes asked.

"It's kinda in the script," Bobby stage-whispered.

"Ray didn't read the script," Jubes stage-whispered back.

"Oh," Bobby said. Then he gave Ray a weird look.

Ray sighed exasperatedly. "Remember Never Have I Ever Night?" he said.

"You mean the one when Scott got wasted and went skinny dipping in the pool and our minds were scarred for all eternity?" Bobby asked.

"No," Ray said. "But thanks for bringing that up! I had JUST gotten that image out of my mind!"

"Great, now it's stuck in my head, too!" Jubes said. "THE HORROR!"

"Wait, so are you talking about the one when Remy and John went streaking around the block?" Bobby asked.

"No, that was Dare or Double Dare Night," Ray said. "I'm talking about the one when Kurt was beyond drunk and gave us all a really kinky yoga lesson."

"That was Twister Night!" Bobby said.

"Oh yeah," Ray said.

"So, what happened?" Jubes asked.

"Well," Ray said, then stopped. "Crap, now I can't remember."

"Ye laddies are all hopeless," Rahne said, hitting Ray on the back of his head and knocking him headfirst into the squishy slug. "Okay, so what happened on Twister Night, after the multiple shots that had absolutely nothing to do with Twister, and during the kinky yoga lesson from Kurt – funny how Kitty already knew a lot of those positions – well, during the partnering up bit, Ray and Sam were partners."

"Can we stop talkin' about this?" Sam asked.

"Nay," Rahne said, and continued. "So, when Ray's really drunk, he tends to act like Frank from the DQ boards (5), only a lot hornier."

Ray's head shot up. "I agree with Sam, we can stop talking now," he said.

"Dude, shut up, she's getting to the good part!" Alex said, hitting Ray on the head. Only, being blind, he missed and hit Forge on the head.

"Actually," Rahne said. "It was my turn to get more drinks. By the time I got back, Sam was yelling his head off and Ray was making out with his ear."

"Um, I have no memory of that whatsoever," Ray said.

"Ah second that," Sam said.

"I don't!" Tabby said cheerfully. "I took pictures."

"Why is it that whenever something really weird or embarrassing happens," Amara said, "You're always the one who takes the pictures?"

Tabby shrugged. "Because I always have a camera?"

"That makes sense," Amara said. "Oh, and I'm not entirely sure, but I think little Ray-Ray got a wee bit too excited when Kurt was teaching us the 'Crouching Turtle, Hidden Salamander' position."

"Yeah, that one was beyond kinky," Robbie said.

"Yeah, but it-"

"-works wonders on your-"

"_Gluteus Maximus_," KWN pointed out.

"…Since when is my name Ray-Ray?" Ray said.

"Not you," Tabby said. "One day, us girls were bored, so we decided to name you guys' packages."

"…Great," Ray said dully.

"Yeah, like Bobby's is Bobby Lee," Amara said.

"Referring to the Mad TV actor, and…other reasons," Kitty said, glancing at Jubes.

"Can we get on with the scene?" Forge said. "I really don't like being blind."

"Now yah know how it feels!" Sam said. (6)

Anyway, back to the parody! Anyway, so Robbie the Dwarf shoved Shadow White (coffin and all) onto the table, knocking Alex, Forge, and Ray onto the floor. "No," Sam said, shoving her toward Robbie. "Dead girl off tha table!"

"Well, where am I supposed to put her?" Robbie said. "The bed's taken!"

That got Sam's attention. He ran over to his bed and pulled back the curtains to reveal…

Lance in a nightgown and cap. "What?" he said. "I'm gonna ROCK your world!"

Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed Lance by the collar. "Ah live in a swamp. Ah put up sahns. Ah'm an ogre! What do Ah have ta do ta get a little privacy?" he demanded as he opened the door and threw Lance out. Then he saw the huge crowd of fair tale creatures in front of him. "Oh no."

Tabby, Amara, and Kitty flew by on broomsticks, cackling sadistically. Further on was the Little Old Jeannie Who Lived in a Shoe, and several Jamies streaming out of the boot. Logan was piping, or playing…well, a pipe, and dozens of Swamp Rats ran up to him. "No guinea pigs?" Logan sniffed. "I MISS RODNA!" (7) A little further over, Papa Scott and Baby Jamie were sitting in front of a fire. Hm, Mama Jean isn't there…

"What are y'all doin' in my swamp?" Sam demanded. He glared at Bobby.

"Hey, don't look at me," Bobby said. "I didn't invite them."

"No one invited us," Johnocchio said.

"What?" Sam said.

"We were forced to come here," Johnocchio said.

"By who?" Sam asked.

"Lord Pietro," Kurt said. "He-"

"-huffed _und_ he puffed _und_ he-"

"-signed an eviction notice."

Sam sighed. "All raht," he said. "Who knows where this Pietro guy is?"

"Oh, I do!" Bobby said. "I know where he is!"

"Does anyone else know where ta find him?" Sam asked.

Jamie waved his hand – er, paw – in the air, but Scott put it down. Lance and Kitty pointed at each other.

"Ooh! Me! Me!" Bobby exclaimed, jumping up and down.

"Anyone?" Sam asked.

"Oh, I know! I know! Me! Me!" Bobby practically screamed in Sam's ear.

Sam sighed in defeat. "Okay, fahne," he said. "Attention all fairy tale thangs. Doan get comfortable. Yoah welcome is officially worn out. In fact, Ah'm gonna see this Pietro guy raht now and get all of yah off mah land and back where y'all belong!"

There was a pause.

Then everyone started cheering.

Sam rolled his eyes. "Come on, Bobby," he said as he grabbed a torch from Robbie and started walking off.

"All right!" Bobby said. "Sam and Bobby, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure! **On the road again**," he sang. "Sing it with me, Sam! **I can't wait to get on the road again**-"

Sam whirled around. "What did Ah say about singin'?"

"Can I whistle?" Bobby asked.

"No."

"Can I hum it?"

"All raht, hum it." Sam rolled his eyes as Bobby did, in fact, start humming it. "Ah'm gonna get a mahgraine before this is all over," he muttered.

"And CUT!" Jubes yelled. "I always wanted to say that. Now, where's the Swamp Rats?" She grabbed Logan's pipe thingie and played it for a little.

Then she was nearly run over by about sixty Swamp Rats. Jamie grabbed his SaCoLiRED present (8) and shot it at the Swamp Rat. One flash of light later, a single Swamp Rat was standing in front of them. Jubes shot the RLLT at him, and he changed back into Remy.

"First rats, now what?" Remy said.

"Oh, that reminds me," Jubes said, pressed a few buttons on the RLLT, and shot Remy again. He now had prosthetic legs. "What de-? Why does Remy have prost'etic legs?"

"Well, if you want Fred to rip off your **real** legs…" Jubes said.

"Remy'll have de prost'etics!" Remy said quickly.

Jubes grinned sadistically. "I thought so." Then she shot the RLLT at him again, and he shrank to half a foot tall.

"Hey, that's even shorter than when I was Mushu!" Johnocchio said cheerfully.

"Yeah, rub it in," Remy said. Another RLLT shot later, he was De Cajunbread Man.

"I hope you like milk," Jubes said sweetly.

Remy glanced at the glass of milk next to him. "_Merde_."

* * *

(1) – I once saw a bunch of Harry Potter flash parodies. In one of them (parodying the Mirror of Erised) Dumbledore calls Harry a little shit. And then in another (parodying a Quidditch match) when Harry walks down a hallway, there's a painting of Dumbledore, and every time you put the cursor over it, he yells, "You little shit!" They are SO FUNNY. If you wanna see them, I'll be putting up the link on my profile.

(2) – Like I said before, if you haven't read the ficcie **Drei** by Mieren, GO READ IT!

(3) – You know how twins finish each other's sentences? Well, I'm taking that and making it beyond annoying. Oh, and the order the Three Little Fuzzies talk in are Kurt, Wagner, Nightcrawler. Always.

(4) – Yeah, Shrek's sorta standoffish, and in **Quest For Sanity** by EE's Skysong, Garett is sorta standoffish, too. Oh well.

(5) – If you don't understand, go read the last chappie of X Mulan 2.

(6) – Sam is Garrett in QFC. Garrett is blind.

(7) – The **XBand** trilogy.

(8) – Also in the last chappie of X Mulan 2.

Shiznit! That reminds me! Okee, I'm assuming everyone has seen Shrek, right? If not, I virtually slap you. Okee, so you know Fiona's whole nighttime transformation? Well, seeing as it's Rahne, I could either a) have Forge zap her with his RLLT and make her green…and with more muscle, I guess, just for fun; or b) have Rahne be in her lupine form. I dunno, which one should I do? Help!


	3. Wipe Your Face

**..: Wipe Your…Face :..**

Yesh! My 7-day no-updating thing ish OVER! CK will be reposted tomorrow (sans-lyrics…grr), with a link in place of the missing lyrics. I'll be putting them up on my LJ that I created out of sheer boredom!

Thanks to **psychobunny410**, **Cat2fat900**, **EE's Skysong**, **Sangofanatic**, **Enigmagirl2727**, **toddfan**, and **Sweety8587** for reviewing! All right, I have counted the votes and the winner is: Rahne going lupine! Everyone knows that when I say lupine, I mean Rahne in here werewolf/in between form, right? Cuz her as a full wolf…well, I'd imagine it'd be kinda hard for Sam to kiss her. Thanks to Skysong for the Forge-zappy idearr! I tweaked it quite a bit, but…ah, you'll see.

DISCLAIMER: "I will be as a fly on the wall – a grain of salt in the ocean. I will move amongst them like a transparent…thing."

* * *

Ooh, look. A torture room…with a glass of milk. Right.

Evan ran in and grabbed the milk. "That's MY moo-juice, biyatch!" he said, bitch-slapped Fred, and ran out.

"…O-kay, then," Forge said.

So, anyway, somewhat ominous music played while Pietro walked down the hall and into the torture room.

"Wow, he's short," Jamie said.

"SHUT UP!"

Pietro watched from just inside the room for a little, and on the wall was the silhouette of Fred dunking De Cajunbread Man into a glass of…something. Whatever it was, every time Fred lifted Remy out, he'd yell, "_Non!_"

"That's enough," Pietro said. "He's ready to talk."

Fred pulled Remy's head out of the glass. "_Non_, _non_!" Remy yelled. "Still…more…bourbon…" Fred ripped off his prosthetic legs and dumped him on the table.

Pietro walked up to the table, laughing a truly pathetic evil villain laugh. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…HAHAHAHAHA…" He walked up to the table, which was just above his head. "Ahem!" Fred lowered the table, and Pietro grabbed Remy's prosthetic legs, running them around Remy. "Run, run, run, as fast as you can," he mocked. "You can't catch me, I'm De Cajunbread Man!"

"Y're a monster!" Remy yelled.

"No I'm not," Pietro said. "You are! You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others?"

"Eat Remy!" Remy said, spitting out a mouthful of bourbon into Pietro's eye.

"AUGH! IT STINGS!" Pietro yelled, running around the room in circles.

"You weren't supposed to actually spit him in the eye," Forge said.

Remy shrugged.

Pietro then ran into a brick wall. Maybe brick walls are the universal cure for things, because that seemed to fix everything. He came back to the table. "I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll…" He grabbed one of Remy's beads, preparing to yank it off.

"_Non_, not de beads!" Remy said quickly. "Not Remy's Mardi Gras beads."

"…Did you have to flash somebody to get those?" Jubes asked.

"It's a funny story, sheila," John said.

"_Tais-toi!_" (1) Remy yelled.

"Aw, but it's a real funny story!" John said.

"Don' make Remy get de fire extinguisher," Remy threatened.

"Um, hate to break it to ya, mate," John said, "But to get to it, you need legs!"

"And this **is** a torture room," Rahne pointed out.

"Fair enough," John said happily. "Okay, so Remy, Piotr, and I were down in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and we got reeeeeeeeeeally drunk. Well, me and Remy. Piotr was a sober as…something really sober."

"That always seems to be the excuse for things," Tabby mused. "I have pictures!"

"Duh, you were there," John said. "So we somehow ran into Forge, who was Rogue, Kitty, Wanda, and Tabby's chaperone. How did ya get landed with that job, anyway?" he asked Forge.

"Logan overheard their plan for a road trip and was off on the road, Hank had the whole blue-and-furry excuse…which didn't work as well, since it was Mardi Gras, but then he had the Speedo excuse. The Prof had to stay at the X-Mansion, and 'Ro said she was too busy taking care of her new Venus fly trap," Forge said dully. "And Warren was too busy with his new alligator sanctuary." (2)

"Ah," John said, having tuned out after "Logan." "So, Forge was incredibly bored and making something out of one of Tabby's cameras that Kitty had phased through. Only, like us, Forge was also reeeeeeeeeeally drunk, so he really had no clue what he was making. Actually, everyone except Piotr was drunk, because Piotr was the designated driver. So Kitty wanted to take a picture of Piotr because he was dressed like a pimp – oh yeah, I picked those clothes out for him – but she grabbed Forge's invention camera instead of the other one. And when she took a picture-" John burst out laughing.

"What?" Jubes said. "What happened?"

John was laughing too hard, so Tabby took over. "Well, Piotr's pretty shy when it comes to pictures, so he was trying to run away, and Remy and John were trying to hold him down. So Kitty had the camera on speed – you know, that setting for taking pictures of things in motion or whatever – and after she took the picture, Piotr phased through Remy."

"…I'm lost," Rahne said.

"Well," Tabby said. "Wanda took the camera away from Kitty after she turned metal and almost crushed it. Then she took a picture of John with the flash, and they switched bodies."

"How could you tell?" Amara asked.

"Well, 'Wanda' was sobbing over the fact that 'she' couldn't control fire anymore, for one," Tabby said. "It looked weird. Kitty had to hit 'her' over the head to knock her out. Anyway, so then Remy took the camera and took a picture of Rogue on portrait – you know, the one for close-up pictures – and then he turned into a girl and she turned into a guy."

"So the camera switches things between the picture taker and the person in the picture?" Rahne said. "And the different settings are different things?"

"Exactly," Forge said. "And then some guy walked by with some Mardi Gras beads, and since Remy was really drunk, he wanted some, so he flashed him."

"It was pretty disturbing, since he's really a guy and all," Tabby said. "But I took pictures anyway."

"And the guy with the beads didn't think that was weird at all?" Amara said.

"Nope," Tabby said. "He gave me purple beads and a rainbow flag."

"…Okay, then," Jubes said.

Pietro cleared his throat. "I really hate being short, can we hurry this up?" he said.

"Whatever," Tabby said, and took a picture of him.

"All right," Pietro said, grabbing a flashlight and shining it in Remy's face. "Who's hiding them?"

"Okay, Remy'll tell y'," Remy said. "Do y' know de Gumbo Man?"

"The Gumbo Man?" Pietro asked.

"De Gumbo Man," Remy repeated.

"Yeah, I know the Gumbo Man," Pietro said. "Who lives on Drury Lane?"

"Dat's de Muffin Man," Remy said irritably. "De Gumbo Man lives on Creole Lane. Well, she's married t' de Gumbo Man."

"The Gumbo Man?" Pietro asked again.

"DE GUMBO MAN!" Remy yelled. Obviously, all the repeating was getting to him.

"She's married to the Gumbo Man…" Pietro said thoughtfully.

The door slammed open, and Evan ran in. "My lord! I really hate this," he muttered.

"That's what you get for your addiction to moo juice," Forge said.

"But-"

"SILENCE, PATHETIC IMITATION!" Forge yelled.

Evan sighed resignedly. "We found it," he said to Pietro in a dull voice.

"Then what are you waiting for?" Pietro said. "Bring it in!"

Evan dragged in the mirror, hung it on a hook, and pulled off the cloth to reveal…Magic Monkey Mirror.

"Ooh," everyone said.

"Magic Monkey Mirror…" Pietro began.

"Don' tell him anyt'in'!" Remy yelled. Pietro swept him off the table and into the garbage can. "_Merde!_"

"Evening," Pietro said to Magic Monkey Mirror. "Monkey Mirror, Monkey Mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?"

"Well, technically, I'm on a hook," Magic Monkey Mirror said. "And technically, you're not a king."

"BLOB!" Pietro yelled Frau Farbissina-esquely.

Fred held up a hand mirror and punched it into smithereens.

Magic Monkey Mirror chuckled nervously. "What I mean is, you're not a king yet. All you have to do is marry a princess."

"Go on," Pietro said.

"So…just…sit back and relax," Magic Monkey Mirror said, clearly improvising, "Because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are!"

Game show music started playing as Magic Monkey Mirror showed a darkened picture of Amara about to step into a glass slipper.

"Talk about irony," Magic Monkey Mirror said. (Okee, he is now MMM. That's just TOO LONG to type out over and over) "Amara's the only real princess, and she's the one who's playing someone who isn't a princess."

"The Authoress is sadistic about that sort of thing," Forge said.

"Bachelorette #1 is a mentally abused – actually, it's more like identity crisis – mutant from a kingdom far, far, away. Not THE kingdom Far, Far, Away; a kingdom far, far, away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include ordering other people around and starting a Charlie's Angels-esque vigilante group. Please welcome Magmarella!" The picture lit up. "Warning: going hot tubbing in a hot spring might cause an unintentional volcanic eruption.

"Bachelorette #2 is a phasing girl from a land of shopping. Although she lives with 7 other men – actually, it's more like 11."

"No, the-"

"-Acolytes moved-"

"-in, remember?" KWN said.

"Glad I didn't," MMM said. "Okay, so 14."

"And then-"

"-the Brotherhood-"

"-moved in, too."

"Okay, 18 other men, but she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a perky chatterbox she is. Give it up for Shadow White!" A picture of Kitty in a glass coffin lit up.

"And last, but certainly not least, Bachelorette #3 is a fiery redhead in a Jubilation-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes piña coladas and getting caught in the rain – but then again, who doesn't?"

"ME!" Johnocchio said. "Evil rain kills fire…but I do love piña coladas. Stupid American drinking laws," he muttered darkly.

"Yours for the rescuing, Princess Rahne!" A picture of Rahne in a tower window looking like a total DID (Damsel In Distress) lit up. "So will it be Bachelorette #1, Bachelorette #2, or Bachelorette #3?"

All the guards started yelling, mainly just to confuse Pietro. "Two! Two!" Lance yelled.

"One!" Robbie yelled.

"Uh…number three!" Fred yelled, holding up two fingers.

"Three! One! Four! Sixteen!" Jamie yelled, jumping up and down.

Pietro rolled his eyes. "…Number 3!" he said.

"Lord Pietro," MMM said, "You've chosen Princess Rahne!"

Kurt started singing that one piña colada song.

**If you like piña coladas**

**And getting caught in the rain**

**If you're not into yoga…**

"Princess Rahne," Pietro said. "She's perfect. All I have to do is go find someone who can-"

"I probably should mention a little thing that happens at night," MMM said.

"I'll do it!" Pietro said.

"Yes," MMM said patiently, "But after sunset-"

"SILENCE!" Pietro screamed Frau Farbissina-esquely. "I will make this Princess Rahne my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Evan," Pietro snapped his fingers. "Assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament!" And he grinned eeeevilly.

JUST OUTSIDE DULOC…

Sam and Bobby walked into the parking lot. "That's DuLoc," Bobby said. "I told you I'd find it!"

"So," Sam said, staring up at Pietro's castle. "That must be Lord Pietro's castle. Yah think he's compensatin' for somethang?"

Bobby was clueless. Sam rolled his eyes and kept walking.

In front of the entrance to DuLoc, Evan was standing around with a giant Pietro head thingie on his head. "Hey!" Sam said.

Evan took one look at Sam, screamed, and ran through the rope lines to the entrance. "Wait a sec!" Sam said. "Ah'm not gonna eat yah. Ah just-"

Evan kept screaming. Sam sighed and started walking through the ropes, which was the smart thing to do. Instead of Evan, who was running back and forth and back and forth…and then ran straight into the ticket booth.

Sam and Bobby looked down at the now-unconscious Evan, shrugged, and walked through the turnstile.

Well, Sam walked through while Bobby had a helluva hard time trying to push his way through. He ended up doing a flip and landing flat on his stomach. "Yah know," Sam said. "Yah could'a just walked **under** tha turnstahl. Ah mean, yoah short enough ta do that now."

"Shut up," Bobby said.

They walked into an eerily quiet courtyard. "It's quiet," Sam said. "Too quiet."

"Hey, look!" Bobby said, running over to a box thingie marked "Information" and pulling the lever that said "Pull" on it.

A ticking noise started up. "Huh, it kinda sounds like a bomb," Bobby said.

The ticking got faster and faster and faster and faster until the doors burst open to reveal several Jamie Multiple Puppets. The JMPs started singing.

**Welcome to Duloc**

**Such a perfect town**

**Here we have some rules **

**Let us lay them down**

**Don't make waves**

**Stay in line**

**And we'll get along fine**

**DuLoc is a perfect place**

**Please keep off of the grass**

**Shine your shoes**

**Wipe your…**

The JMPs in the front row turned around and bent over.

**Face**

**DuLoc is**

**DuLoc is**

**DuLoc is a perfect plaaaaaaace**

The doors swung shut and a camera took a picture of Sam and Bobby.

"Wow!" Bobby said. "Let's do that again!"

"No no no!" Sam yelled, grabbing Bobby and yanking him back. "No."

"You're no fun," Bobby said.

Then they heard trumpets playing from the castle and Pietro starting on a lame speech. "Brave knights," he began, "You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove yourself…"

Bobby started humming the "Welcome to DuLoc" song.

"Yah're goin' tha raht way foah a smacked bottom," Sam said.

"Sorry," Bobby said, and stopped humming.

"That champion shall have the honor – no, no – the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Rahne from the fiery keep of the Jubilation," Pietro said.

Sam and Bobby shrugged and walked right out into the tournament grounds.

"If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful," Pietro continued, "The first runner-up will take his place…and so on, blah blah blah. Some of you may die," There was a gasp from the crowd. "But it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make." There were cheers from the crowd. Wonder if it's got anything to do with Lance holding up an "Applause" sign. "Let the tournament begin!"

Sam rolled his eyes and started pushing his way through the knights.

"What is that?" Pietro demanded, as a collective gasp ran through the crowd. "It's hideous!"

"Well, that's not very nahce," Sam said. He looked back at Bobby, who nodded. "It's just an Assicle." Bobby stopped nodding and looked confused.

"Riiiiiiiiiiight," Pietro said. "Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!"

The knights pointed their pikes/spears/swords/axes/toothpicks/etc at Sam, who backed up against a table. "Can't we just settle this ovah a pint?" Sam said, holding up a pint of beer.

The knights seemed completely unfazed. "No?" Sam said. "Okay, then." He downed the beer and smashed off the faucet of a huge keg behind him. The blast of beer that came out effectively knocked over about five of the knights. Sam grabbed a pike from one of the knights and tripped him.

Meanwhile, Rogue started singing.

**Ah doan give a damn **

'**Bout mah reputation**

Bobby rolled another huge keg onto Scott, squishing him.

**Yoah livin' in tha past**

**It's a new generation**

Bobby rolled the keg over more knights that came running out.

**A girl can do what she wants to do**

Sam jumped into a boxing ring, followed by Robbie and Ray.

**And that's what Ah'm gonna do**

Sam bounced back against the ropes and knocked Robbie and Ray out (if that's confusing, basically what happens in any WWE match. Or just watch the movie).

The crowd booed.

**And Ah doan give a damn**

'**Bout mah bad reputation**

Sam wrapped his legs around Lance's head and tackled him to the ground.

Then he climbed up on a corner post and jumped on Lance. That looks like it hurt. Evan crept up behind Sam, spike drawn. The crowd gasped.

**Oh no, no, no, no, no**

**Not me, me, me, me, me**

Sam grabbed the spike and twisted Evan around. "Hey! Tag me!" Bobby yelled.

**And Ah doan give a damn **

'**Bout mah reputation**

Sam carried Evan over, and Bobby headbutted him. "OW!" Bobby yelled. "He really does have a thick skull!"

**Nevah said Ah wanted**

**Ta improve mah station**

Sam climbed up on a corner post and waved at the now-cheering crowd. Todd was trying to sneak up behind him.

**And Ah'm always feelin' good**

**When Ah'm havin' fun**

Sam turned around and jumped of Todd's shoulders, knocking him down.

**And Ah doan have ta please no one**

"The chair!" Tabby yelled. "Give him the chair!"

**And Ah doan give a damn**

'**Bout mah bad reputation**

Sam hit Todd over the head with a wooden folding chair.

**Oh no, no, no, no, no**

**Not me, me, me, me, me**

(listen to lyrics)Sam kicked Robbie in the face, picked Ray up and slammed him backwards into the ground, twisted Scott's leg behind him while he desperately reached for the rope, slammed Evan headfirst into the ground, and spun Todd around above his head before throwing him into a corner post. Bobby kicked him in the head.

"Thank y'all!" Sam said to the crowd. "Thank y'all very much! Ah'm here till Thursday! Try tha veal! NO WAIT DOAN EAT VEAL!"

Pietro snapped his fingers, and all the soldiers aimed their crossbows at Sam and Bobby. "Dude, can we shoot 'em?" Evan asked.

"…No," Pietro said. "People of DuLoc," he announced, "I give you our champion!"

"What?" Sam said.

"Congrats, ogre," Pietro said. "You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest."

"Quest?" Sam repeated. "Ah'm already on a Quest foah Sanity!" (3)

Bobby glanced at him oddly.

"Ah mean, Ah'm already on a quest ta get mah swamp back," Sam said.

"Your swamp?" Pietro said.

"Yeah, mah swamp! Where yah dumped those fairy tale creatures!"

"Indeed," Pietro said. "All right, ogre, I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back."

"Exactly tha way it was?" Sam asked.

"Down to the last slime-covered toadstool," Pietro said.

"And tha squatters?" Sam said.

"As good as gone," Pietro said.

Sam thought about it for a moment. "What kind of quest?" he asked.

* * *

(1) – According to Babelfish, _tais-toi_ means "keep silent yourself", but according to my French teacher and _dictionnaire_, it means "shut up." _Ferme-la_ actually means "shut it."

(2) – Toddfan's ficcie **Teacher Training**. COOKIE!

(3) – If I had a nickel for every time I made a ref to something of Skysong's, I'd have a lot of nickels.

Um…yeah. Click onward!


	4. The Wrath of Jubilation Part I

**..: The Wrath of Jubilation Part I :..**

DISCLAIMER: "Let your anger be as a monkey in a piñata…hiding amongst the candy…hoping the kids don't break through with the stick!"

* * *

"Let me get this straight," Bobby said as he and Sam walked through a bunch of sunflowers. "You're gonna go fight a Jubilation and rescue a preincess just so Pietro will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that right?"

"Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk," Sam said.

"I don't get it," Bobby said. "Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip."

Sam grabbed an onion and a few ears of corn. "Maybe Ah could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pahke, gotten a knahfe, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to yah?"

"Uh, no, not really, no," Bobby said.

"Fo' yoah info, there's a lot more to ogres than people think," Sam said.

"Example?" Bobby asked.

"Example?" Sam repeated. "Okay, uh, ogres are lahke onions," he said, holding out an onion.

Bobby sniffed it. "They stink?"

"Yes," Sam said. "No!"

"They make you cry?" Bobby asked.

"No."

"Oh, you leave them out in the sun, they get all brown and start sprouting little white hairs," Bobby said.

"No!" Sam yelled. "Layers!" He started ripping layers off the onions. "Onions have layers! Ogres have layers! Yah get it? We both have layers!" He threw the onion down and walked off.

"…Oh, you both have **layers**," Bobby said. He sniffed the onion. "You know, not everyone likes onions. Cake!" he exclaimed. "Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers."

"Ah doan care what everyone lahkes," Sam said. "Ogres are not lahke cakes." He walked past Bobby.

"You know what else everyone likes?" Bobby said. "Parfaits." He ran to catch up with Sam. "Have you ever met a person and said, 'Let's get some parfait,' and they said, 'No, I don't like parfait'? Parfaits are delicious."

"No!" Sam yelled. "Yah dense, irritating, frozen miniature beast of burden! End of story! Bye-bye! See yah later."

Bobby thought for a moment, then started rambling again. "Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole planet."

"Yah know," Sam said. "Ah think Ah preferred yoah humming."

"Do you have a tissue or something?" Bobby asked. "I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.

For no reason other than to speed up a tedious journey, Alex started singing.

**I'm on my way**

**From misery to happiness today**

Bobby and Sam walked down a hill as the sun was setting.

**Uh-huh, uh-huh**

**Uh-huh, uh-huh**

Bobby and Sam walked past some rocks that looked kinda like Easter Island statues, but only without faces.

**I'm on my way**

**From misery to happiness today**

Bobby and Sam snored their hearts out next to a campfire.

**Uh-huh, uh-huh**

**Uh-huh, uh-huh**

Sam practically burned his foot trying to stamp out the fire…then Bobby did the smart thing and froze it.

**And everything **

**That you receive up yonder**

**Is what you give**

**To me the day I wander**

Bobby and Sam reached the foot of a volcano with a huge ominous black cloud swirling above it.

"It's one of my better works," Ororo said, making the wind swirl the ominous cloud around some more.

**I'm on my way**

**I'm on my way**

Bobby and Sam were walking up the volcano when Bobby smelled a nasty smell. "Ugh! Sam, was that you? Man, you gotta warn someone before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything."

"Believe meh, Bobby," Sam said. "If it was meh, yah'd be dead."

"No, I wouldn't," Bobby said.

"Well…it was in the script," Sam said. He sniffed the air. "It's…Ah dunno, what is that?"

"Kurt's special stink bomb," Forge said, holding up an old bottle of Kitty's perfume refilled with…whatever it was, it was pitch blak. "49 percent Scott's perfume, 49 percent the sweat from Logan's socks, 1 percent black nail polish, and 1 percent secret ingredient."

"…That's nahce ta know," Sam said. "Well, we must be gettin' close."

Sam and Bobby climbed over a last ridge and looked down…at a huge stone castle, surrounded by a boiling lake of lava. Amara, who was doing laps in said lake of lava, waved at them. There was a rickety wooden bridge connecting the castle to the edge of the volcano.

"Sure, it's big enough," Sam said. "But look at tha location!" He laughed and jumped over the ridge.

"Uh, Sam, remember when you said that ogres have layers?" Bobby said.

"Yeah," Sam said.

"Well, I have a confession to make," Bobby said. "Assicles don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves."

"Wait a sec," Sam said. "Assicles doan have sleeves."

"You know what I mean," Bobby said.

"Oh, yah can' tell meh yoah afraid of heights," Sams aid.

"No," Bobby said, "I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of lava!"

"Come on, Bobby," Sam said. "Ah'm raht here beside yah, okay? Foah emotional support, we'll just tackle this thang one little baby step at a time." He pushed Bobby ahead of him.

"Really?" Bobby said.

"Really really," Sam said.

"Okay," Bobby said. "That makes me feel so much better."

"Just keep movin'," Sam said. "And doan look down."

"Okay, don't look down," Bobby said to himself. "Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down."

Then his hoof broke straight through one of the planks, sending said plank tumbling down into the boiling lake of lava where it hit Amara on the head. "Hey!" Amara yelled. "Watch it, you jerks!"

That, of course, made Bobby look down. "Sam!" he yelled. "I'm looking down!" He jumped up and turned around. "I can't do this! Just let me off!"

"But yoah already halfway," Sam said.

"Yeah, but I know **that** half is safe," Bobby said.

"Okay, fahne," Sam said. "Ah doan have tahme foah this. Yah go back." He started walking forward.

"Wait!" Bobby yelled, trying to push by Sam. However, the bridge was unbelievably narrow, and the only way someone could pass someone else was by climbing over them.

Maybe Sam was bored, or maybe Bobby's yelling was starting to get to him. Whatever the case, Sam started swinging the bridge back and forth. "Hey!" Bobby yelled. "Don't do that!"

"What, this?" Sam asked, swinging the bridge again.

"Yes, that!" Bobby yelled.

"Yes?" Sam said. "Yes, do it." He thought for a moment. "Okay." And he swung the bridge even more.

"No!" Bobby yelled, hyperventilating and backing up as fast as he could. "I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die, I'm gonna-" He realized he had just backed up onto solid rock. "Oh."

Sam walked up and patted Bobby on the head. "That'll do, Bobby," he said. "That'll do."

Bobby looked back at the bridge, then at Sam. "Cool," he said. "So where is this firework-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway?"

"Insahde, waiting fo' us ta rescue her," Sam said. "…Doan tell Rahne Ah said that."

"I was talking about the Jubilation, Sam," Bobby said. "…Don't tell Jubes I said that."

"Eh, it was in the script," Forge said lazily.

INSIDE THE CASTLE…

It was dark, gloomy, and ominous. "You afraid?" Bobby whispered.

"No, but shh," Sam said.

"Oh, good, me neither," Bobby said.

"Yoah a really bad liar," Sam said. "And two things: Shut. Up." He grabbed a helmet and stuck it on his head. "Now go ovah there and see if yah can fahnd any stairs."

"Stairs?" Bobby said. "I thought we were looking for the princess.

"Tha princess will be up the stairs in tha highest room in tha tallest tower," Sam said.

"What makes you think she'll be there?" Bobby asked.

"Ah read it in a book once," Sam said.

"For the record," Ray yelled, "It's not my book!"

"Really?" Sam said sarcastically.

"It's not!" Ray said. "It's Bobby's!"

Sam's head jerked around to look at Bobby so quickly it made a nasty cracking noise. Then he turned back to Ray. "Really?"

"Ask Sue-Anne!" Ray said. (1)

This time, Sam's head jerked around to look at Bobby so quickly he fell over.

"Uh……" Bobby said.

Ray then ratted Bobby out, despite the fact that the Authoress strongly suggests that you go read the footnote at the bottom of the ficcie right now, seeing as you might already know what happened. (coughTODDFANcough)

"Okay, so remember that time in between Mainstream and Ascension II when Rahne and Jubes were both taken home by their parents? Well, on your birthday we flew in your family 'cuz we couldn't get Rahne for some reason, Kitty made a ton of cakes and went overboard with the sugar, I dared Bobby to eat all said cakes, he got on a sugar high and almost gave Robbie a heart attack by somehow accessing his old messages on speakerphone on his cell – something about Juliana coming back from the dead – and then he kissed Sue-Anne, except he was so hungover from the sugar OD that he couldn't remember which Guthrie he kissed, and then you found out, and you beat the crap outta him, remember?"

"Oh, yeah," Sam said. "That was fun."

"Well, on Bobby's birthday," Ray continued, "Sue-Anne was still mad at Bobby about the whole thing – don't ask me how she knew when his birthday was, did you tell her? – so as a weird gag gift, she sent him a fairy tale book along with a note saying that he's a really enthusiastic kisser when he's high on…sugar…Jubes's right behind me, isn't she?" he asked.

"Yeah," Forge said.

"…I still have dibs on Bobby's stereo, Jamie!" Ray yelled.

"Curses!" Jamie said. (2)

"Well," Sam said, getting up (yes, he hadn't gotten up from where he had fallen over until now) and looking out the window, "There's tha princess. So where's tha-" He turned around. "Oh. Ah forgot Forge nevah changed yah back."

Jubes grinned eeeeevilly at Bobby, showing nice sharp teeth. "Jubes, it was just a kiss!" Bobby said. "I was high off sugar! I ate Kitty's cakes, for crying out loud!"

Jubes considered this for a moment.

Then she breathed fireworks at him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Bobby yelled, running for his life.

Sam rolled his eyes and grabbed Jubes's tail. Unsurprisingly, Jubes swung her tail around and around until he flew off…and Cannonballed right through the roof of Rahne's room.

Bobby ran out onto a bridge thingie…until Jubes's tail swatted it and broke off a chunk of it. Bobby turned around to go the other way, but the same thing happened. "Oh, shit," Bobby said as Jubes towered over him, roaring.

Jubes bent down so she was eye-level with Bobby. Well, her eye was the size of Bobby's head, so…yeah, I think it's safe to say that that's worse than her towering over him. "Enthusiastic kisser, huh?" Jubes said.

"Well, that's what Sue-Anne said," Bobby said desperately. "I'm sure she was over exaggerating!"

"Nope!" Tabby said. "I have pictures!" (3)

Jubes glared at Bobby, who cowered. "I'll show you enthusiastic!" Jubes said.

"…Should I be turned on by this, or scared shitless?" Bobby said. Jubes rolled her eyes and picked him up by the tail. "Yep, scared shitless!" Bobby said as she walked off to do…who knows what to him. Tabby grabbed onto Jubes's tail, for sheer sake of tagging along and taking pictures.

* * *

(1) – If I had half a dime for every time I made a ref to anything of Toddfan's…I'd also have quite a few half dimes. Now, if you haven't already, go read her ficcie **Nametags Are Required**. Funny ficcie loosely based on a Friends episode (TOW Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister). READ IT! NOW!

(2) – My friend always says "Curses!" when something goes wrong. It's so funny how she says it. Oh yeah, and she also says "Word" when she agrees to something. She used to say "Agreed", but I said it sounded funny how she said it, so she started saying "Word." Oh, and the stereo dibs thing is also from **Nametags Are Required**.

(3) – I will probably be using this every time something even the tiniest bit embarrassing or blackmail-worthy happens to someone. And yes, Tabby will always be the one taking the pics, because if anything ever happened to Tabby, 1) she'd drag someone into it with her, and 2) she wouldn't be afraid of telling anyone.

Why did I break this chappie up even though you can click right on to the next one? Because I didn't want it to be too long, and some people don't go for a break until they get to the end of a chappie. What? It's just me? Oh well. Onward!


	5. The Wrath of Jubilation Part II

**..: The Wrath of Jubilation Part II :..**

Okee, so my big sis is having some friends over right now, and they're all in her room. She just walked by with Life (the board game), Truth or Dare Jenga, and a plushie dog in her hands. I'm not even gonna ask.

DISCLAIMER: "Taco Bell, Taco Bell, product placement with Taco Bell!"

* * *

So Sam had just crashed through the roof of Rahne's room. Rahne, of course, noticed, and grabbed a bouquet of daisies that were conveniently located next to her bed, lying down and pretending to be asleep and stuff. Meanwhile, the Fiona Theme Song played (ya know, Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah-ah).

So Sam walked up to Rahne, and she oh-so-subtly puckered up her lips for a kiss. Instead, Sam shook her by her shoulders. "Are yah Princess Rahne?" Sam asked.

"I am," Rahne said. "Awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me."

"Oh, that's nahce," Sam said. "Now let's go."

"Wait, Sir Knight," Rahne said, obviously bent on being traditional and formal and such. "This be-ith our first meeting. Should it nay be a wonderful, romantic moment?" She hit a DID pose (ie, back of hand on forehead, etc).

"Yeah, sorry, lady," Sam said. "There's no tahme." He grabbed Rahne's arm and started walking for the door.

"Hey!" Rahne said. "What are ye doing? Ye should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto ye valiant steed."

"Yah've had a lot of tahme to plan this, haven't yah?" Sam said, accidentally pulling off the doorknob.

"Yep," Rahne said.

Then Sam Cannonballed through the door and ran down the stairs, dragging Rahne behind him. "But we have to savor this moment!" Rahne said. "Ye could recite an epic poem for me! A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!"

"Ah doan think so," Sam said.

"Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?" Rahne asked.

"Uh…Sam," Sam said.

"Sir Sam," Rahne said, clearing her throat and holding out a handkerchief daintily. "I pray that ye take this favor as a token of my gratitude."

Sam took the handkerchief. "Thanks," he said, wiped his face with it, and gave it back to her.

Further off, Jubes roared. Why? Probably to scare/intimidate Bobby some more. "Ye dinnae slay the Jubilation?" Rahne said.

"It's on mah ta-do list!" Sam said. "Now come on!" He grabbed Rahne's arm and they set off running again.

"But this isn't right!" Rahne yelled. "Ye were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!"

"Yeah, raht befoah they were attacked by fireworks!" Sam said.

"That's nay the point!" Rahne said. They got to a door that had a green "EXIT THIS WAY" sign hanging over it. Sam ran for the other door. "Are ye daft?" Rahne said. "The exit's that way!"

"Well, Ah have ta save mah Assicle," Sam said.

"What kind of knight are ye?" Rahne demanded.

"One of a kind," Sam said. Then he walked through the door to see…well, it was probably mind-scarring. Care to hear? No? Too bad!

Bobby was tied up with a chain (the other end of the chain was attached to a chandelier above Jubes's head) and hanging upside down five feet off the ground. Dancing around him were the Teletubbies. Life-size Teletubbies. Jubes was standing a few feet away with an eeeeeeevil smirk on her face. Po was holding Forge's RLLT, Laa-Laa was holding Jamie's SaCoLiRED present, Dipsy was holding the Bourbon Land bazooka, and Tinky Winky was holding a purple Prada purse (YAY for alliteration!).

Tabby was sitting on Jubes's tail and taking pictures of the whole thing. She also had Evan's video camera set up in the corner. Why? Because the Teletubbies were now starting to sing.

**Tinky Winky!**

**Dipsy!**

**Laa-Laa!**

**Po!**

**Teletubbies!**

**Teletubbies!**

**Say hello!**

Thankfully, the song was short. However, they were now holding hands and skipping in a circle around Bobby.

**I love you**

**You love me**

**We're a happy family**

**With a great big hug**

**And a kiss from me to you**

They all leaned in and gave Bobby a kiss on the forehead/cheek/ear/chin. And if that wasn't bad enough, they were all wearing lipstick. So Bobby now had red lips dead-center on his forehead, yellow lips on his left ear, green lips on his right cheek, and purple lips right on his chin.

**Won't you say you love me, too?**

"Kill me now," Bobby mumbled. "Just kill me now!"

"Nope," Jubes said. "Sing, my minions, sing!"

The Teletubbies thought for a moment. Then Tinky Winky started.

**Are you ready, kids?**

_**Aye, aye, captain!**_

**I can't hear you!**

_**AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!**_

**Ohhhhhhhhh**

**Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?**

_**Spongebob Squarepants!**_

**Absorbing and yellow and porous is he!**

_**Spongebob Squarepants!**_

**If nautical nonsense be something you wish!**

_**Spongebob Squarepants!**_

**Then jump on the deck and flop like a fish!**

**Ready?**

_**Spongebob Squarepants!**_

_**Spongebob Squarepants!**_

_**Spongebob Squarepants!**_

**Spongebob Squarepants!**

Tinky Winky pulled a piccolo out of his purse and played the ending notes on it.

But no, they weren't done yet. Dipsy and Laa-Laa started singing a duet. (Laa-Laa's a girl, right?)

**Have you ever seen such a beautiful night?** Dipsy sang.

**I could almost kiss the stars for shining so bright**, Laa-Laa sang.

**Then I see you smile and I go oh, oh, oh**

**I would never want to miss this**

**In my heart, I know what this is**

**This is what dreams are made of**

**This is what dreams are made of**

**I've got**

_**Somewhere I belong**_

**I've got**

_**Somebody to love**_

**This is what dre-e-e-eams are made of**

Then the music started getting upbeat and pop-ish. The other Teletubbies danced around Bobby while Laa-Laa grabbed a mic out of Tinky Winky's purse and started singing.

_**Hey now, hey now**_

_**Hey now, hey now**_

**Have you ever seen such a beautiful night?**

**I could almost kiss the stars for shining so bright**

**Then I see you smile and I go oh, oh, oh**

**I would never want to miss this**

'**Cause in my heart I know what this is**

_**Hey now, hey now**_

**This is what dreams are made of**

_**Hey now, hey now**_

**This is what dreams are made of**

**I've got somewhere I belong**

**I've got somebody to love**

**This is what dre-e-e-eams are made of**

_**(Hey now, hey now, this is what dreams are made of)**_

**Have you ever wondered what life is about?**

**You could search the world and never figure it out**

_**(Figure it out)**_

**You don't have to sail all the oceans**

**No, no, no**

**Happiness is no mystery, it's **

**Here and now**

**It's you and me, yeah**

_**Hey now, hey now**_

**This is what dreams are made of**

_**Hey now, hey now**_

**This is what dreams are made of**

**I've got somewhere I belong**

**I've got somebody to love**

**This is what dre-e-e-eams are made of**

_**(Hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now, hey now)**_

**Open your eyes **

**_This is what dreams are made of  
_**

**Shout to the sky **

**_This is what dreams are made of_  
**

**Then I see you smile and I go oh, oh, oh  
**

**Yesterday my life was duller  
**

**Now everything's Technicolor **

_Hey now, hey now  
_

**This is what dreams are made of  
**

_**Hey now, hey now  
**_

**This is what dreams are made of  
**

**I've got somewhere I belong  
**

**I've got somebody to love  
**

**This is what dre-e-e-eams **

**Dre-e-e-eams  
**

**This is what dre-e-e-eams are made of  
**

_**Hey now, hey now **_

**_(Hey, hey, hey, hey)_  
**

**Hey now**

**_(Hey, hey, hey, hey)_  
**

**This is what dreams **

_**Hey now hey now **_

**_(Hey, hey, hey, hey)_  
**

**This is what dreams are  
**

**What dreams are made of**

"…You know, that actually sounded a helluva lot better than Hilary Duff," Bobby said.

"Hey, thanks, dude," Laa-Laa said in a totally not-Laa-Laa voice. She took off her head to reveal…

"THAT WAS ALEX SINGING?" Bobby yelled.

"Mind-scarring, isn't it?" Jubes said as Tabby snapped pictures of Bobby's horrified expression.

"Just be glad you didn't have to sing a duet with him," Robbie said, taking off Dipsy's head.

Bobby was clearly horrified now. "So you were Laa-Laa – nice singing voice," he said, pointing at Alex, "And you were Dipsy," he said, pointing to Robbie, "And Jamie's the only one short enough to be Po," he said.

"Yep!" Jamie said, taking off Po's head and snatching his SaCoLiRED present from Alex.

Bobby turned (it's quite funny, since he's still tied upside down) to Tinky Winky. "Do I even **want** to know who you are?" he asked.

Ray pulled off Tinky Winky's head. "Dude, **I** don't even want to know who I am," he said.

"So, how exactly did you guys get suckered into doing this?" Bobby asked.

"Tabby," they said in unison.

"She gave a HUGE bag of lollipops," Jamie said.

"Uh…the whole Karaoke Night thing," Alex said.

For those who don't know what happened on Karaoke Night (which would be everyone), Alex got more than a little drunk – well, let's just say he drank as much alcohol as Evan drinks milk – and on his turn at the mic, sang every song in Hilary Duff's Metamorphosis album.

"Blackmail," Robbie said.

"Same as Robbie," Ray said. "And this is her purse," he added, holding up the purple Prada purse.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Bobby asked.

"Well, do you wanna know what else is in here?" Ray said, reaching in.

"NO NO NO NO NO!" Bobby yelled, but it was too late. Ray had pulled out…

The keys to the Blackbird.

"Oh," Bobby sighed in relief. Then he remembered: This is Tabby we're talking about! "HOLY-!" (1)

"Okay, Ah've definitely heard too much," Sam said. He grabbed a Random Sword and cut the chain holding Bobby upside down. "No, wait!" Bobby yelled.

Too late. Bobby landed on his head. The chandelier landed around Jubes's neck. "Aw, come on!" Jubes said. "Robbie sounds JUST like Britney Spears when he sings her songs!"

Sam had picked up Bobby and was about to run for it, but at hearing that, they both turned and looked at Robbie, then at Jubes, then at each other. "Run fast," Bobby advised.

Sam did. Jubes breathed fireworks at him, mainly just to keep him running. Sam grabbed Rahne and ran for the exit.

"Hi, princess!" Bobby said.

"It talks!" Rahne exclaimed.

"Yeah, it's gettin' him ta shut up that's tha trick," Sam said. He stopped running when they got to a big tube thingie. Jubes was running right behind them, so he slid down the tube. Then there was a section of the tube missing.

Ooh. That looked painful. Sam hopped off the end of the tube, his eyes just uncrossing.

They got to a room full of columns. With Jubes hot on his heels Sam ran toward the exit. Then to the right. Then to the left. Then he ended up face-to-face with her and just barely missed getting singed by her fireworks.

Sam jumped over the chains until he saw two chains crossing each other on his right, and another Random Sword on his left. "Head fo' tha exit!" he said, dropping Rahne and Bobby, then grabbed the Random Sword. "Ah'll take care of tha Jubilation." He stuck the sword in the two links of the chain.

Rahne and Bobby stopped near the exit to wait for Sam. A few minutes later, Sam appeared, running in slow motion. "RUUUUUUN!" he yelled. Rahne and Bobby started running in slow motion as Jubes appeared several feet behind Sam…in slow motion.

Finally! They sped up to real time as Jubes breathed out a huge-ass volley of fireworks that followed them halfway across the bridge. Unsurprisingly, the castle half of the bridge burned into nothingness, and Sam and Rahne grabbed on to the nearest plank as the other half went totally horizontal. Bobby, having no fingers, fell down until Sam grabbed him by the leg.

Jubes came running out, about to fly at them and force them to listen to Robbie sing "I'm a Slave 4 U", when the chain caught and jerked her back. So she was stuck in the castle. And roared at them.

"Wait, Bobby!" she yelled. "I was just kidding!" Sam and Rahne kept climbing. "I forgive you about Sue-Anne!"

"Maybe it's just me," Amara called up from where she was still swimming in the boiling lake of lava, "But I think you're stuck there until Piotr sings Hallelujah."

* * *

(1) – For any of you that didn't get the innuendo, go read SickmindedSucker's ficcie **Not Just a Sleepover**. Chappie 12, The Fun Game of Never Have I Ever. Kitty's Never Have I Ever.

Whoa, only one ref! That's gotta be a record!

That's all for today! Tomorrow, chappies 6-8!


	6. Stagefright

**..: Stagefright :..**

Don't hurt me! I know, I said this would be up yesterday, but I had cheer practice and it was EXHAUSTING! My arms are still über sore from all the weight lifting. Anywayz, here are the next three chappies! I've already finished the ficcie, I'm just putting them up three chappies at a time! Thanks to **psychobunny410**, **Cat2fat900**, **toddfan**, and **EE's Skysong** for reviewing! **CF**, Sammy-boy needed a helmet cuz…it's important Rahne doesn't find out he's an ogre till later! Yeah. Lame excuse, I know. Oh well! And Tuck's a FRIAR! He can do whatever he wants, DAMNIT! And yes, that was Alex singing. Scary, no? **Skysong**, because I am too lazy to email you…with the whole lyrics thing, I'm just pressing my luck. I still find it weird that FF took down CK while it left all of my other parodies (which all have song lyrics in them) alone! Plus, I put up RS after CK! So I'm gonna keep the song lyrics (except for CK, cuz that one got taken down), and if it gets taken down, then I edit! Hahahaha! And yes, I do know how much there is between Simba's song and Scar's. There's even more between Hakuna Matata and Can You Feel the Love Tonight (which I SO call dibs on! Because you'll obviously get to do Hakuna Matata. Speaking of which…eh, I have to check the movie for that, actually. I'll just ask you when it's my turn again. And a TON of my movies are in San Jose with my mom and her fiancé and his brother's kids! Cuz they're all 12 and under and my mom asked me to lend some of my DVDs for the weekend cuz her fiancé has only Sci-Fi/too violent movies. Yeah.

DISCLAIMER: "You must take your place in the Great Circle of…stuff."

* * *

Rahne slid down the ridge gracefully on her feet. "Ye did it!" she exclaimed. "Ye rescued me! Ye're amazing!" Bobby tumbled down the ridge, hit a rock, and did a double flip, landing in a crumpled pile at the bottom. "Ye're wonderful! Ye're-" She turned around in time to see Sam slide down on his back and crash into Bobby. "A little unorthodox, I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thine heart is pure. I am eternally in ye debt." 

Bobby cleared his throat.

Rahne turned around. "And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed?" she said.

"I hope you heard that," Bobby said to Sam. "She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed!"

"The battle is won," Rahne said to Sam. "Ye may remove ye helmet, good Sir Knight."

"Uh…no," Sam said.

"Why nay?" Rahne asked.

"Ah…Ah have helmet hair," Sam said, pointing at his helmet.

"Please," Rahne said. "I woul'st look upon the face of my rescuer."

"Oh, no yah wouldn'…st," Sam said.

"But how will ye kiss me?" Rahne asked.

"What?" Sam had backed himself up against a rock. "That wasn' in tha job description," he said to Bobby.

"…Maybe it's a perk!" Bobby said.

"Nay, it's destiny," Rahne said. "Oh, ye gotta know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a Jubilation is rescued by a brave knight…and then they share true love's first kiss."

"With Sam?" Bobby said. "You think – wait. You think that Sam is your true love?"

"Well, yes," Rahne said.

Bobby and Sam looked at each other and burst out laughing. "You think – you think Sam's your true love!" Bobby gasped out between laughs.

"What's so funny?" Rahne demanded.

"Let's just say Ah'm not yoah type, okay?" Sam said.

"Of course ye are," Rahne said. "You're my rescuer. Now remove ye helmet."

"Look," Sam said. "Ah really doan think this is a good idea."

"Just take off the helmet," Rahne said.

"Ah'm not gonna," Sam said.

"Take it off," Rahne said.

"No!" Sam said.

"NOW!" Rahne yelled.

"Okay!" Sam said. "Easy. As yah command, Yoah Hahness." And he took off his helmet.

"Ye – ye're an ogre," Rahne said.

"Oh, yah were expectin' Prince Charmin'?" Sam said.

"Well, yes, actually," Rahne said.

"Sorry, not 'till tha sequel," Sam said.

Forge coughed, holding up his BLLT.

"Ah mean," Sam said. "Ah was sent ta rescue yah by Lord Pietro, okay? He's tha one who wants ta marry yah."

"Then why dinnae he come rescue me?" Rahne asked.

"Good question," Sam said. "Yah should ask him that when we get there."

"But I have to be rescued by my true love," Rahne said, "Nay by some ogre and his – his pet."

"Well, so much for noble steed," Bobby said.

"Princess," Sam said. "Yoah not makin' mah job any easier."

"Well, I'm sorry," Rahne said, "But ye job is nae my problem. Ye can tell Lord Pietro that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here." She sat down on a rock.

"Hey!" Sam said. "Ah'm no one's messenger boy, all right?" Sam said. "They always get killed. Ah'm a delivery boy."

Rahne's eyes narrowed. "Ye would nae dare."

Sam picked Rahne up and slung her over his shoulder, carrying her fireman-style. "Put me down!" Rahne shrieked.

"Ah really hate being this rude," Sam complained.

Forge coughed and…

"Ah know, Ah know!" Sam yelled. "Yah comin', Bobby?"

"Right behind ya," Bobby said.

Rahne pounded on Sam's back. "Put me down, or ye will suffer the consequences! This is nae dignified! Put me down!" She punched him in the head. It had no effect on him whatsoever.

HOWEVER LONG LATER…

Rahne had finally given up. Bobby was taking the opportunity to ask her for girl advice. "Okay, here's another question," he said. "Say there's a girl that likes you, but you don't really like her **that** way. How do you let her down easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get beaten up by her brother?"

"Not gonna happen," Sam said. Rahne whispered something in his ear. "Gonna happen!" he said quickly.

Rahne grinned. "Ye just tell her she's nae ye true love," she said. "Everyone knowest what happens when ye find ye-" Sam jerked her. "Hey!" she yelled, then sighed. "The sooner we get to DuLoc, the better."

"You're gonna love it there, Princess," Bobby said. "It's beautiful!"

"And what about my groom-to-be?" Rahne asked. "What's he like?"

"Well," Bobby said, "He's tall, has blond hair, is a nice Southern boy, believes in a thing called chivalry, is currently green, you're hanging over his shoulder right now-"

"Ha-ha, very funny," Sam said. He dumped Rahne on the ground. "Sorry. Let meh put it this way, Princess." He walked over to a stream. "Men of Pietro's stature are in **short** supply."

"I don't know," Bobby said. "There are those who think **little** of him."

Sam washed his face off, and he and Bobby both laughed.

Rahne obviously didn't get the joke, but stuck up for Pietro for some reason. "Stop it," she said. "Stop it, both of ye. Ye're just jealous ye can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Pietro."

"Yeah, well, maybe yoah raht, Princess," Sam said. "But Ah'll let yah do tha 'measurin'' when yah see him tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Rahne said, looking at the setting sun. "It'll take that long? Should nae we stop to make camp?"

"No, that'll take longer," Sam said. "We can keep goin'."

"But there's robbers in the woods," Rahne said.

That caught Bobby's attention. "Time out! Camping's starting to sound good."

"Hey, come on," Sam said. "Ah'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest."

Rahne ran in front of them. "I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!" she yelled.

Wow, even all the birds flew away.

AT SOMEWHERE TO CAMP NOW…

Sam pushed over a boulder to reveal a sort of…cave-ish…thing. "Hey! Over here!" he said to Rahne.

"Sam, we can do better than that," Bobby said. "I don't think this's fit for a princess."

"Nay, it's perfect," Rahne said. "It just needs a few homey touches."

"Homey touches?" Sam repeated dubiously. "Lahke what?"

Rahne peeled a big strip of bark off a tree. "A door?" she said. "Well, gentlemen, I bit thee good night." She walked into the cave-ish…thing, shutting the "door" behind her.

"Do you want me to read you a bedtime story or something?" Bobby offered.

"I said goodnight!" Rahne yelled.

Sam started to push the boulder back in front of the opening. "Sam, what are you doing?" Bobby said.

Sam laughed. "Ah just – yah know – oh, come on! Ah was just kiddin'!"

LATER THAT NIGHT…

Bobby and Sam were looking at the stars.

"And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, tha only ogre ta ever spit ovah three wheat fields," Sam said, pointing at a constellation.

"Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?" Bobby asked.

"They doan tell tha future, Bobby," Sam said. "They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut tha Flatulent. Yah can guess what he's famous foah."

"I know you're making this up," Bobby said.

"No, look," Sam said, and pointed. "There he is, and there's tha group of hunters runnin' away from his stench."

Bobby, obviously, will never be an astrologer. Or astronomer. "That's nothing but a bunch of little dots," he said.

"Sometimes thangs are more than they appear," Sam said.

"Hey, what are we gonna do when we get our swamp, anyway?" Bobby asked.

"Our swamp?" Sam said.

"You know, when we're done rescuing the princess," Bobby said.

"We?" Sam said. "Bobby, there's no 'we.' There's not 'our.' There's just meh and mah swamp. Tha first thang Ah'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around mah land." And he turned over, his back to Bobby.

"You cut me deep, Sam," Bobby said. "You cut me real deep just now." He got up and walked over to the side Sam was facing. "You know what I think?" he said. "I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out."

"No, yah think?" Sam said, and flipped over.

"Are you hiding something?" Bobby asked.

"Never mind, Bobby," Sam said, rolling back onto his back.

"Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?" Bobby asked.

"No, this is one of those drop-it-and-leave-it-alone thangs," Sam said.

"Why don't you wanna talk about it?" Bobby asked.

"Whah do yah want ta talk 'bout it?" Sam said.

"Why are you blocking?" Bobby said.

"Ah'm not blockin'," Sam snapped.

"Yes, you are," Bobby said.

"Bobby, Ah'm warnin' yah," Sam said.

"Who are you trying to keep out?" Bobby said. "Just tell me that!"

"Everyone, okay?" Sam said.

"…Now we're getting somewhere," Bobby said happily.

"Oh, fo' tha love of Pete!" Sam yelled.

Behind them, Rahne opened her door and peeked out.

"What's your problem?" Bobby asked. "What d'you have against the whole world?"

"Ah'm not tha one with tha problem, okay?" Sam said, sitting down on the edge of a rock. "It's tha world that seems ta have a problem with meh. People take one look at meh and go, 'Aaah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!'" Sam sighed. "They judge meh befo' they even know meh. What's whah Ah'm better off alone."

Well, we could only really see Rahne's eye, but it looked pretty guilty. She closed the door.

Bobby walked up and sat down next to Sam. "You know what?" he said. "When we met, I didn't think you were just a big, stupid, ugly ogre."

"Yeah, Ah know," Sam said.

"So, uh, are there any Assicles up there?" Bobby asked.

"Well, there's Gabby," Sam said. "Tha small and annoyin'."

"Okay, I see it," Bobby said. "The big shiny one, right there?"

"That's tha moon," Sam said.

BACK IN DULOC…

Pietro was chilling in his bed. Gross, I don't think he's wearing anything under those zebra-print sheets…oh, and look at the Mama Jean throwrug on the floor. I like that throw rug. That is a nice throw rug.

"Okay, Pietro!" Tabby said cheerfully. "Time for you to step up and be the pervert you know you are!"

"You know," Lance said, "That's the perfect way to give him stagefright. Where's Forge, anyway?"

"He let me take over for this scene," Tabby said, still cheerful.

All this happiness was starting to scare Lance. "Why are you so happy?" he asked. Then he noticed that her hair was mussed and her shirt was inside out. "Never mind, I don't want to know." He ran off, hoping not to run into Ray.

"Okay, Take One!" Tabby said.

MMM restarted the music and the Fiona Theme Song replayed while he showed the picture of Rahne in a DID pose.

"Perfect," Pietro said, taking a drink from his martini.

"Take Two!"

Ditto.

"Takes Three Through Nineteen!"

Ditto.

"Um, I need a refill," Pietro said, waving around his empty martini.

Tabby stuck another one in his hand. "Hey, how far away is Badger?" she asked.

"Far Far Away Land," Rogue said, pulling up and hopping out of Lance's jeep.

"Why?" Tabby asked.

"Because that's where Ah put his entahre stash of beer," Rogue said.

"Excellent," Tabby said Montgomery Burns-esquely. She then whispered something in MMM's…well, the part of his frame that would've been his ear. "Take Twenty!"

The Fiona Theme Song started up again, only this time, MMM showed a picture of…

X23 in a black corset that showed off her belly button, skintight leather pants, and stilettos.

Pietro sat straight up, spilling his martini. "WOW!" he said.

Apparently, Pietro Jr. felt the same way.

"Cut!" Tabby said. "I know, I'm good," she said with a grin.

* * *

Yes, I know, it was short. But up next: Jean gets blown up, and we finally meet Remy Hood! And the best part is, you don't even have to wait! Click on! 


	7. Ooh La La

**..: Ooh La La :..**

DISCLAIMER: "I'll kill him. I'll kill him dead. Like with, with a, rock or something. Like a, like a stone."

* * *

The next morning, Rahne stepped out of her cave-ish…thing, saw Sam and Bobby still snoring their hearts out, and decided to take a nice stroll through the woods.

Then she saw Jean the Bird and decided to sing to her. "Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, ah-ah ah-ah."

Jean decided that she was the best in everything, and tried to show her up. So she whistled. "Da-de-da, da-da da-da, de-da-da."

"Ah-ah-ah," Rahne sang.

"Da-de-da."

"Ah-ah-ah."

"Da-da-da."

"Ah-ah-ahhhhhhhhhh…"

"Da-de-da…"

They were getting higher and higher pitched.

"Ah-ah, ah, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………………………"

Rahne hit a pretty high note.

Jean hit the same note. Slight problem: she didn't have lungs! (1)

So she exploded.

Then Rahne saw the three eggs in Jean's nest.

A few minutes later, they were now eggs sunny-side up.

Sam yawned, got up, and saw Rahne cooking the eggs.

Bobby was still asleep.

And horny as ever.

"Mmmm, yeah, baby, you know I like it like that," he mumbled in his sleep. "Come on, baby, I said I like it."

Sam punched Bobby in the head. "Bobby, wake up!" he yelled.

"Mmm, feisty, are we?" Bobby mumbled, grinning in his sleep.

Rahne picked up a rock and threw it at Bobby, hitting him in the head.

Bobby woke up. "Huh? Oh, good morning, Princess!" he said cheerfully.

"What's all this about?" Sam asked, gesturing at the eggs.

Rahne picked up the rock the eggs were frying on with a leaf. "We kind of got off to a bad start yesterday," she said. "I wanted to make it up to ye. After all, ye did rescue me."

"Uh, thanks," Sam said as Rahne put the rock down in front of them.

"Well, eat up," Rahne said. "We've got a big day ahead of us."

Bobby and Sam exchanged is-she-for-real looks.

LATER…

Sam, Bobby, and Rahne were walking through the forest when Sam burped.

"Sam!" Bobby said.

"What?" Sam said. "It's a compliment. Better out than in, Ah always say," he added to Rahne.

"That's no way to behave in front of a princess," Bobby said.

Then Rahne burped. "Thank ye," she said.

Bobby and Sam both stopped walking, while Rahne kept going. "She's as nasty as you are," Bobby said.

Sam laughed. "Yah know," he said to Rahne. "Yoah not exactly what Ah expected."

"Well," Rahne said, "Maybe ye should nae judge people before ye get to know them." She started singing the Fiona Theme Song again.

"_La liberte!_ Hey!" Remy yelled, swinging down on a vine and grabbing Rahne.

"Princess!" Sam yelled.

Remy swung up to a branch. "What are ye doin'?" Rahne demanded.

"Be still, _cherie_," Remy said, "Fo' I am y' savior! _Et_ I am rescuin' y' from dis green-" He kissed her arm several times. "Beast."

Hank popped up. "Did someone call my name?" he asked.

"No," everyone said in unison.

"Oh, okay," Hank said, and popped back out.

"Hey!" Sam said, running up underneath the tree branch. "That's mah princess! Go fahnd yoah own!"

"Please, monster!" Remy said. "Can' y' see I'm _un peu_ busy here?"

"Look, laddie," Rahne said. "I dunno who ye think ye are." She poked him in the chest for emphasis.

"Oh, of course!" Remy said. "Oh, how rude, oh _la la_. Please let me introduce myself. Oh Merry Men!" He laughed.

Friar Todd swung down on a swing, playing the accordion, while Petit Piotr (they're French for some odd reason, go with it), Kurt, Robbie, Ray, Lance, and Evan jumped out from behind cardboard bushes. Evan knocked over his bush while jumping out.

_**Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo!**_

**I steal from de rich**

**And give to de needy**

Remy grabbed an apple from nowhere and tossed it to Bobby.

**Takes a wee percentage**, Ray sang.

**But 'm not greedy**

**I rescue pretty damsels**

**Man, 'm good!**

_**What a guy, Monsieur Hood!**_

**Break it down**

Petit Piotr, Robbie, Ray, Lance, and Evan Riverdanced while Remy did some fancystep dancing.

**I like an honest fight**

**And a saucy little maid**

_**What he's basically saying**_

_**Is he likes to get-**_

**Paid**

_**Soooooooo**_

**When an ogre in de bush**

**Grabs a lady by de tush**

**Dat's bad**

**That's bad**, Lance sang as he popped out from behind Remy.

**That's bad**, Ray sang.

**That's bad**, Piotr sang.

Remy and the Merry Men started walking toward Sam and Bobby, snapping their fingers.

**When a beauty's with a beast**

**It makes m' awfully mad**

_**He's mad**_

_**He's really, really mad**_

**I will take m' blade**

**And ram it t'rough y' heart**

Remy pulled out a dagger.

**Keep y' eyes on m', hommes, **

'**Cause 'm about t' starrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-**

Rahne kicked him in the head. He fell and hit his head against a rock.

"Hee-ya!" Rahne yelled, doing a flip through the air and landing between Sam and the Merry Men. "Man, that was annoying," she said.

"Oh, you little-" Evan said, shooting an arrow at her. Rahne and Bobby dodged, and it bounced off a tree and flew we'll-find-out-later-where.

Rahne did two front handsprings and punched Evan in the nose and solar plexus before finishing him off with a punch to the face. Lance ran up behind her, and she elbowed him in the solar plexus, punched him backwards in the nose, then spun around and took him out with a roundhouse kick. (2)

Ray and Petit Piotr ran at her from both sides. Rahne leaped up and there was a Matrix thing when it froze and spun around them. Rahne fixed a flyaway hair, the kicked them both in the nose.

"Hey," Bobby said, nudging Sam. "She's flexible." He nodded, doing the eyebrow thing (you know, when you raise your eyebrows twice).

"…Doan do that," Sam said.

"Okay," Bobby said.

Friar Todd finally got off his swing and ran after her. Rahne ran up a tree and flipped over it so that Friar Todd was between her and the tree. He held up the accordion in front of his face. She punched straight through the accordion and knocked him out.

Robbie came running at her. Rahne jumped up and did a spinning kick thing where she spun around and both her feet hit him before she landed. Sure, I suck at explaining action, but it looked cool.

Rahne looked around and realized that she had taken everyone out. She stepped on Petit Piotr and walked back to Sam and Bobby. Sam was holding Bobby, and both had WTF-just-happened looks on their faces. "Um, shall we?" she said, and walked off.

They kept staring at her with WTF-just-happened looks. "Hold tha phone," Sam said, dropping Bobby and walking after her. "OW!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Sam said, catching up. "Where did that come from?"

"What?" Rahne asked.

"That!" Sam said. "Back there. Tha was amazin'! Where did yah learn that?"

Rahne chuckled. "Well, when one lives alone, one has to learn these things in case there's a – there's an arrow in ye butt!" she shrieked, pointing.

"What?" Sam said, and looked down behind him. "…How did Ah not notice that?"

"Oh, nay," Rahne said. "This is all my fault. I'm so sorry!"

Sam touched the arrow. "Ow!"

Bobby finally walked up to them. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"Sam's hurt," Rahne said.

"Sam's hurt," Bobby repeated. "Sam's hurt! Oh no, Sam's gonna die!"

"Bobby, Ah'm okay," Sam said.

Bobby ignored him. "You can't do this to me!" Bobby said. "I'm too young for you to die!"

"Yoah older than meh," Sam said.

"Still," Bobby said. "Keep your legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?"

"Bobby!" Rahne yelled, grabbing his ear. "Calm down, laddie. If ye wanna help Sam, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns."

"Blue flower, red thorns," Bobby said. "Okay, I'm on it! Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns." He turned around. "Don't die, Sam. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!"

"BOBBY!" Sam and Rahne yelled.

"Oh, right," Bobby said, and ran off. "Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns."

"What are tha flowers foah?" Sam asked.

"For getting rid of Bobby," Rahne said.

"Oh," Sam said.

"Now ye hold still, and I'll yank this thing out," Rahne said. She tugged on the arrow.

"Ow! Hey!" Sam said, jumping away. "Easy with tha yankin'."

"I'm sorry, but it has to come out," Rahne said, trying to grab the arrow again.

"No, it's tender," Sam said, moving away.

"Hold on!" Rahne said, running around to the other side.

Sam walked away. "What yoah doin' is tha opposite of help." He turned around just as Rahne was about to grab the arrow. "Look, tahme out." He held out his hand at arm's length, pushing Rahne back by her forehead. (3)

"Would ye just-" Rahne pulled Sam's hand off her forehead. "Okay. What do ye propose we do?"

WITH BOBBY…

"Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns," Bobby chanted as he walked into a grove full of blue flowers with red thorns. "This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns."

"OW!" Sam yelled, further off.

"Hold on, Sam, I'm coming!" Bobby yelled. He stared at the blue flower with red thorns right in front of him, thought 'What the heck', and grabbed them, running off.

BACK TO RAHM…

"Ow!" Sam yelled. "Not good."

Sam was currently lying on his stomach while Rahne slowly pulled the arrow out of his ass.

"Okay," Rahne said. "Okay, I can nearly see the head. It's just about-"

"Ow!" Sam yelled, flipping over onto his back (Maybe I'm new to this, but wouldn't that drive the arrow even deeper?). He also ended up accidentally flipping Rahne on top of him, so that they were in an…ahem…compromising position.

"Ahem," Bobby coughed with a very smug look on his face.

"Nothin' happened," Sam said, shoving Rahne off him and getting up. "We were just, uh-"

"Look, if you wanted to be alone," Bobby said, "All you had to do was ask, okay?"

"Oh, come on!" Sam said. "That's tha last thang on mah mahnd. The princess here was just – ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Rahne had gotten up and was now waving the arrow in front of Sam. Sam stared at her with a what-did-you-just-do look on his face. "Owwwwwwwwwwwww!"

"Hey, what's that?" Bobby said. "Is that – Is that blood?" He fell over in a dead faint. Sam picked him up, and they walked off. John started singing.

**My beloved monster and me**

Sam jumped onto the top of a tree, making it bend over onto the other side of a riverbank.

**We go everywhere together**

Rahne walked on the trunk daintily, touching Sam on the shoulder as she got off.

**Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves**

**Gets us through all kinds of weather**

Sam got up, and the tree swung back. It swung Bobby (who had still been walking on it) quite a ways back, too.

**She will always be the only thing**

They were now walking through a meadow, and the bugs were bugging Sam. (Let us all flinch at that really bad and definitely unintentional pun. Read? Fliiiiiiiiinch)

Rahne grabbed a spiderweb that was strung between two branches, and ran all around Sam and Bobby, catching the flies.

**That comes between me and the awful sting**

**That comes from living in a world**

**That's so damn mean**

Rahne rolled up the branches so that the beg-filled spiderweb was now an ogre version of cotton candy. She gave it to Sam, who started eating it.

Forge poked his head in. "Please note that that isn't really a rolled up spiderweb, it's white cotton candy with bug-shaped fruit snacks. And kids, if you walk off with a spiderweb while the spider's still on it, chances are, it'll notice and attack you."

Sam pounced on a frog, blew it up, and tied it with a string. Aww, look, it's a balloon.

**Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh**

He gave it to Rahne, who grabbed a snake, blew that up, and tied it into a snake!balloon!tiger.

They walked off with their balloons. Rahne pushed Sam playfully, and Sam pushed her back. "Hey!" Rahne shoved him, and Sam shoved her back – right into a bush.

Needless to say, he got going while the going was good.

**La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la**

**La-la, la-la, la-la**

* * *

(1) – Birds have these things called air sacs instead of lungs. It's so they can function with one-way breathing. That's how they fly. That's also how Warren defies the laws of blahblahblah, cuz we humans have two-way breathing.

(2) – I know, in Shrek, Fiona takes him out with her ponytail, but Rahne's hair isn't long enough. SING with me: Solar plexus, Instep, Nose, Groin!

(3) – I love doing that to my little cousins. You may say I'm mean, but I say: I'm twice as old as them, and they come up to my chest.

Do ya see an arrow? Then click it!


	8. Lost in Translation

**..: Lost in Translation :..**

Yeah, I haven't seen the movie **Lost in Translation**, but this seemed like a good title for the chappie, considering the whole princess/ugly thing.

DISCLAIMER: "Wow, you're like one giant brain…except you have legs, so you're not in a jar."

* * *

Sam, Bobby, and Rahne had finally reached DuLoc. "There it is, Princess," Sam said. "Yoah future awaits yah."

"That's DuLoc?" Rahne asked.

"Yeah, I know," Bobby said, pushing in between Sam and Rahne. "You know, Sam thinks Lord Pietro's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really – ow!"

Sam had punched him in the head. "Why do people keep doing that to me?" Bobby asked..

"Um, Ah, uh – Ah guess we better move on," Sam said.

"Uh, sure," Rahne said. "But, Sam?" Sam turned around. "I'm – I'm worried about Bobby."

"What?" Sam said.

"I mean, look at him," Rahne said. "He does nae look so good."

"What are you talking about?" Bobby said. "I'm fine."

"That's what they always say," Rahne said, "And the next thing ye know, ye're on ye back."

Bobby gave her a Huh? Look.

"Dead," Rahne finished.

"Yah know, she's raht," Sam said. "Yah look awful. Do yah wanna sit down?"

"I'll make ye some tea," Rahne said.

"Well, I didn't wanna say anything," Bobby said, "But I have this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look." There was a nasty bone-crunching noise.

"Who's hungry?" Sam said. "Ah'll find us some dinner."

"I'll get the firewood," Rahne said.

"Hey, where are you going?" Bobby asked as they both left. "Oh, man, I can't feel my toes!" Then he came to a realization: "I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug."

LATER…

Rahne was eating…some barbecued thing that looked a lot like a weedrat. "This is good," she said to Sam, who was cooking more on a spit hanging over the fire. "What is it?"

"Weedrat," Sam said. "Rotisserie stahle."

Forge popped his head in. "It's not really weedrat," he said, "Sabey kept stealing them from us. And no, kids, don't steal rats or mice out of mousetraps and fry them up. It's not healthy. Sam and Rahne are actually eating strawberry-flavored gummy rats."

Rahne glanced down at her gummy weedrat. "Ah. That explains why it's pink. Well, it's delicious," she said to Sam.

"They're also great in stews," Sam said. "Ah doan mean ta brag, but Ah make a mean weedrat stew."

CUE AWKWARD ROMANCE IN THREE…

Rahne laughed, then looked over at DuLoc and sighed. "I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night."

TWO…

"Maybe yah can come visit meh in tha swamp sometahme," Sam offered. "Ah'll cook all kinds of stuff foah yah."

ONE…

"I'd like that," Rahne said.

Remy started strumming an acoustic guitar and singing.

**See de pyramids along de Nile**

"Um, Princess?" Sam said.

**Watch de sunrise from a tropical isle**

"Yes, Sam?" Rahne asked.

"Ah, um, Ah was wonderin'," Sam said.

**Just remember, _ma chere_, all de while**

"Are yah-" Yes, Sam was having just a wee bit of trouble trying to say the right words.

**Y' belong t' me**

Sam sighed. "Are yah gonna eat that?"

Rahne was a little disappointed, but she took the gummy rat off her stick and held it out to Sam. He put his hand on top of hers, and they started leaning in…

And Bobby popped up in between them. "Man, isn't this romantic?" he said. "Just look at that sunset."

"Sunset?" Rahne repeated, jumping up. "Oh no! I mean, it's late. It's very late."

"Wait a minute," Bobby said. "I see what's going on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you?"

"Yes!" Rahne said, a little too enthusiastically. "Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. Ye know, I'd better go inside." She turned around and started walking to the house.

"Don't feel bad, Princess," Bobby said. "I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-" He stopped and had another epiphany. "Hey, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark!"

"Good night," Rahne said.

"Good naht," Sam said, albeit disappointedly.

Rahne walked inside and shut the door. "Ohhhhhh!" Bobby said. "Now I really see what's going on here!"

"What are yah talkin' 'bout?" Sam asked.

"I don't even wanna hear it," Bobby said. "Look, I'm an Assicle, and I have instincts. I know that you two were digging on each other. I could feel it!"

"Yoah crazy," Sam said. "Ah'm just bringin' her back ta Pietro."

Bobby scoffed. "Oh, come on, Sam. Wake up and smell the pheromones! Just go on in and tell her how you feel."

"There's nothang ta tell," Sam said. "Besahds, even if Ah did tell her that…well, you know – and Ah'm not sayin' Ah do, 'cause Ah doan – she's a princess, and Ah'm-" He turned away.

"An ogre?" Bobby supplied.

"Yeah," Sam said. "An ogre." He started walking off.

"Hey, where are you going?" Bobby asked.

"Ta get…mo' fahrewood," Sam said.

Bobby glanced at the pile of firewood next to him, then at Sam's retreating back, then back at the firewood. "Something's going on," he said, "I can just tell."

LATER…

"Okay, Rahne, your turn to get zapped!" Forge said. "…Rahne? Where'd she go?"

"Eh heh heh, funny story," John said.

"What happened?" Forge asked resignedly.

"Well…you know how Rahne's a really good tracker?" John said.

"She's called Wolfsbane for a reason," Forge said.

"Well, she found my Nerd Pit," John said.

Forge facepalmed.

"She only ate about a tenth of it," John said.

"And how big is the entire thing?" Forge asked.

"Let's put it this way," John said. "If you got to the bottom, you'd already be dead from lack of oxygen."

"Great," Forge said. "Where is she now?"

"Um, well, I managed to pull her out of the Nerd Pit," John said, "But then she went tearing off to places unknown."

"Oh, well," Bobby said. "We can't finish the parody without Rahne, now change me back!"

Of course, that was the cue for Rahne to come skimming in in her wolf form.

"Maybe she's calmed down," Forge said hopefully.

John clapped Forge on the back. "When will you learn, mate?" he asked.

Of course, John was right. Despite the fact that she was a wolf, Rahne was on an über sugar high.

Being on said sugar high, she pounced on and licked to death the nearest person.

Of course, said person was none other than Sam.

"Um…" Sam said. "This is awkward."

Forge aimed his RLLT at Rahne and shot it. However, since Rahne had heightened senses and all, she could hear it, and jumped out of the way just in time.

And, let's just say Sam looks pretty good as a green-skinned girl. Tabby popped up and took pictures.

"Please change meh back," Sam said.

"Sorry," Forge said, and changed Sam back.

A couple of feet away, Rahne barked at Forge, wagging her tail. "Ah think she thinks yoah just playin'," Sam said. "Or she just wants ta drahve yah up tha wall."

Rahne barked again.

"I'm guessing it's the latter," John said.

Forge rolled his eyes, held up the RLLT, and ran after Rahne.

And for absolutely no reason at all, the Japanese song from the Teen Titans ep with Mad Mod (the one in the Chase Scene with the escalator and the doors and the totally defying laws of physics) started up. (1)

For the next few minutes, Sam, John, and Bobby stood around watching Forge chase Rahne, fire off a shot, chase her some more, fire off another shot…you get the drill.

Well, up until the song ended. Rahne stopped, morphed back into herself, and turned around. Forge noticed this a wee bit late and ran right into her.

"Ah-ha!" he said, popping back up. "I have you now!" He shot the RLLT at her.

The end.

"…What just happened?" Rahne said.

"Is it broken?" John asked.

Forge shot it at him, and he turned into a green-skinned girl. "Nope," Forge said, and turned him back.

"Maybe it doesn't work on her 'cause she can turn into a wolf," Bobby suggested.

Forge shrugged. "So now what?"

Rahne got up. "How about I just go lupine?" she said.

Forge stared at her like she had just eaten about a tenth of John's Nerd Pit, torn off to places unknown, came back and tackle Sam, led Forge on a wild goose chase to a Japanese song used in a Teen Titans ep, and then suggested an idea that she had intended to suggest right from the start.

Oh wait, that's because she had.

"Why didn't you mention that before?" Forge demanded.

Rahne shrugged. "I…forgot?"

Forge rolled his eyes. "Just go," he said, pointing at the house thingie.

"Touchy," Rahne muttered, but went into the house.

"And…ACTION!"

Bobby cautiously opened the door to where Rahne was staying. "Princess?" he called. "Where are you?" There was a creaking noise. "It's spooky in here!" Bobby said. "I'm not playing!"

Then something fell through the floor above Bobby.

Bobby immediately freaked. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

? got up. "Nay, nay!" ? yelled. Although that should be a dead giveaway sign.

"Sam! Sam! Holy shiznit!" Bobby yelled. He was on the verge of hyperventilating again.

"Would ye just shut up?" ? said, and hit him with a hand…er…paw…er…thing.

That seemed to wake Bobby up. He squinted at ?. "Princess?"

"Nay, I'm the King of the Leprechauns."

"…Oh, I get it!" Bobby said. "You were being sarcastic!"

Rahne rolled her eyes. "Nay kidding, Sherlock."

"What happened to you?" Bobby asked. "You're, uh, different."

"I'm ugly, okay?" Rahne said.

"No," Bobby said. "Just…freaky-looking. Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Sam those gummy rats were a bad idea."

"Nay," Rahne said. "I've been this way as long as I can remember."

"Whaddya mean?" Bobby said. "I've never seen you like this before. Except when Mr. McCoy took us on that field trip to the California redwoods and we scared off those fat hunters. And that one Halloween when we turned the Institute into a haunted house. And the time you got REALLY ticked off at Evan. And the-"

"Okay, okay!" Rahne said. "It only happens when the sun goes down."

"No, it doesn't," Bobby said.

"In the movie, it does!" Rahne said. "'By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss, and then take love's true form.'"

"Aw, that's beautiful," Bobby said. "I didn't know you wrote poetry."

"It's a spell," Rahne said. "When I was a wee lass, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become **this**. This horrible, ugly beast!"

"That's not true," Bobby said. "For one, only Beast can be a beast. I mean, come on, it's right in his name. B, you're not horrible. Unless someone gets you really mad, or someone messes with your friends. _Et troisieme_, that's not ugly. It's fear-inspiring, but not ugly. Evan all über-Evolutionized (A/N: Once again, let us flinch in the presence of a truly stupid and unintentional pun: FLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCH!), though, THAT is ugly."

Rahne shuddered. "Tell me about it." She went on with the sob story. "I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me." She sat down on a table. "That's why I have to marry Lord Pietro tomorrow, before the sun sets and he sees me like this."

"All right, all right, calm down," Bobby said. He hopped up and sat down next to her. "But you only look like this at night. Sam's ugly 24/7."

"Aw, thanks!" Sam yelled sarcastically.

"Shut up, you get muscles!" Bobby yelled back.

"But Bobby," Rahne said, "I'm a princess, and this is nae how a princess is meant to look!"

"…How about if you don't marry Pietro?" Bobby suggested.

"I have to," Rahne said. "Only true love's kiss can break the spell."

"And you think Pietro's your true love," Bobby said, completely deadpan. "But you know, you're kind of an ogre."

"Nay, nay really," Rahne said.

"Well, okay," Bobby agreed.

Forge popped his head in. "To keep things from getting even more confusing, let's say that Rahne's lupine form is a female version of an ogre. Okay? _Bueno!_" And he popped his head back out.

Bobby continued. "And, well, Sam – well, you two have a lot in common."

"Sam?" Rahne said.

BACK OUTSIDE…

Sam had finally gotten off his ass and was walking up to the house with a sunflower in his hand. Everybody with me, now: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

He was practicing what to say to Rahne. "Princess, Ah – um, how's it goin', first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. Ah'm okay. Uh, Ah saw this flower and thought of yah 'cause it's pretty and – well, Ah doan really lahke it, but Ah thought yah maht lahke it 'cause yoah pretty. But Ah lahke yah anyway. I'd – uh, uh-" He sighed. "Ah'm in trouble."

"No kidding, Casanova," Forge said.

Sam glared at him, then walked up to the house. "Okay, here we go." He walked up to the house.

Now, when you hear this next bit of convo, you have to listen to it from Rahne and Bobby's sob-story-etc POV, and from Sam's clueless-in-love POV.

"I cannae just marry whoever I want," Rahne was saying. "Take a good look at me, Bobby. I mean, really. Who could ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?"

"Do I have to go through the whole 'Beast' and 'ugly' thing again?" Bobby said irritably.

Rahne ignored him and continued. "'Princess' and 'ugly' do nae go together," she said.

"Yeah, well, you weren't there when Amara dyed her hair neon purple with green, blue, pink, and orange highlights," Bobby said. "That was not pretty."

"That actually makes me glad I dinnae see that," Rahne said. "Anyway, that's why I cannae stay here with Sam. My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love."

"Do I have to go through the 'true love' and 'Pietro' thing again?" Bobby said.

Rahne continued. "Do ye nae see, Bobby?" she said. "That's just how it has to be."

At this point, Sam had heard enough. Figuratively speaking, Rahne had just yanked his heart out, taken one of those big mallets from cartoons and smashed it up, ran over the pieces with a steamroller, taken a flamethrower and incinerated them, and then dumped the ashes in a puddle of Kurt's special stink bomb. He threw down the sunflower and ran away.

"Dude, suck it up!" Robbie said, fanning at his eyes.

"Ah just have somethang in mah eyes," Sam said as he wiped at them.

"Sure, Sam," Robbie said.

A loud crunching noise interrupted them. Sam and Robbie turned to see Ray biting into an onion.

"Why are you eating an onion?" Robbie demanded.

Ray stopped eating the onion and stared at it. "You mean, this **isn't** an apple covered in gelatin?" (2) he said.

"No," Sam said.

"HOLY CRAP!" Ray yelled, throwing it as far away from him as he could.

Anyway, back to Rahne and Bobby. "It's the only way to break the spell," Rahne finished.

Yeah. Sam kinda missed that part.

"You at least gotta tell Sam the truth," Bobby said, hopping off the table.

"Nay!" Rahne said. "Ye cannae breathe a word. No one must ever know."

"**Breathe** a word?" Bobby said. "And what's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets?"

"Promise ye will nae tell," Rahne said. "Promise!"

"All right, all right, I won't tell him!" Bobby said. "But you should." He walked out the door. "I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitching!"

Rahne poked her head out and made sure Bobby wasn't going off to tell Sam. He wasn't, of course. He was busy eating apples covered in gelatin. Rahne looked down and saw the sunflower. She picked it up and took it back inside with her.

* * *

(1) – That's my favvie part in the ep! I love the song, too. I wish I knew what it was called.

(2) – Have you seen the movie **Holes**? Yeah, well, the onions that Stanley and Zero were eating while up on Thumb Mountain (or something like that) were apples covered in gelatin. Oh, and I'm thinking about parodying that, and making it a tragic STORGE. BTW, who should be Stanley? And Zero? And all them D-Tent boys? LoLz. I obviously haven't thought this one through much yet.

That's all for today! Tomorrow, the last, final chappies!


	9. It's a Cold and Broken Hallelujah

**..: It's a Cold and Broken Hallelujah :..**

I'm back! With the final chappies! Thanks to **toddfan**, **Sangofanatic**, **psychobunny410**, and **EE's Skysong** for reviewing! **Toddfan**, I actually wouldn't know about the weird bird-lung thing if it wasn't for my Bio teacher (she rocketh). The whole 3-chambered heart in froggies and stuff still confuses me…yesh, I am plotting a tragic STORGE. I like the movie. Have you read the book (by Louis Sachar)? Even better than the movie (but then again, all books are better than their movies. But if I do parody **Holes**, then Forge has to get shot in the head. Most likely by Scott. Oh, and Forge will have an obsession with onions, and 'Ro'll go on a mad robbing spree. Cool, no? And Forge gets a DONKEY! **Psychobunny410**, I'm not sure what's next for Jean. Well, I know that she gets slimed by Toad in **X-Men: The Movie** (my next project), but other than that, the possibilities are endless! Yep, I LUVERZ Teen Titans! Especially the Titanimal eppie. And the one where Starfire's engaged…but mainly only because of Robin's reactions. "You're getting MARRIED?" Yeah we're still gonna do **Interview with the Vampire**! Unless you're backing out…you're not, are you? You pick Louis, I pick Lestat, you pick Claudia, I pick Armand, you pick Santiago, I pick Señor Dorky Interviewer (jk, I know his name's Daniel or something like that), you pick Denis, I pick Madeline…and I think that's all the important characters. If I've forgotten any, let me know! Oh, but we MUST have Jean as Widow St. Clair and Scott as her makeup addict lover. Simply a MUST. So let me know, okee? **Skysong**, I dunno about the weird star scenes. Maybe because the stars are so far away and have an ethereal, mystical feeling to them…or maybe because they're really easy to draw. (shrugs) Um, I don't know how XIETRO started. I don't think it was in either of the eppies (neither was RAHM or LORO or STORGE or JONDA, but that never stopped anyone), and eppie-wise, I don't think they've even met! (I'm not sure, my memory of Target X is sketchy at best and I missed X23) But I read **untouchable hexing witch**'s ficcie **Total Manipulation** (good AU ficcie, I recommend it), and I was like, NICE! So I'm a fan of XIETRO and TABIETRO, both work for me. Libero! Libero libero libero! Or libera if you're a girl, I believe. Something like that. I'm learning French, not Italiano! Ah, waggling. A lot easier to say than "the eyebrow thing". Yesh, I do love puns. But some of them are so stupid, they just make me flinch. Okee, so the romance wasn't that awkward, but meh! Ah, yes, Eppie II. Well, Annie's…Annie. He's weird. Ya know, when I parody Eppie III, he has to kill YOUNGLINGS! YOUNGLINGS, I TELL YA! But maybe I'll just have them all be Mini-Evans and Mini-Scotts and Mini-Jeans. Okee, I feel better about it now! BTW, I have NO clue who's gonna be Annie and Padme and Obi-Wan and etc. Eh, I'll worry about that when you start Eppie IV. Do you know who's gonna be Luke and Leia and Han and Chewie? Cuz I don't wanna cast Annie with the same person you cast as Luke, ya know? I haven't seen any of those movies you called dibs on, so it's all good. And Forge spoke Spanish cuz I was watching Kim Possible at the time, and they were at Bueno Nacho. So yeah. Dude! Go read **Holes**! It's a good book, it explains the movie more. I have the movie on DVD, too. I think one of my aunts or uncles or cousins gave it to me for Christmas once. Anywayz, if you have it on DVD, you have to watch the movie with Cast Commentary! It's Shia, Khleo, Jake, and Max – Stanley, Hector, Alan, and Ricky – or Caveman, Zero, Squid, and Zigzag if you prefer. BTW, who should be Stanley? I'm putting Jamie as Zero (cuz he's small and cool and etc like that), and I've filled in the rest of D-Tent, but I'm not sure who Stanley should be. It can't be Robbie (Squid), Freddie (Armpit), Lance (X-Ray), Ray (Zigzag), Todd (Magnet), or Pietro (Twitch). I'm thinking of using Bobby…or maybe Alex for a change. (shrugs)

Jeez, that was long!

DISCLAIMER: "This is what you get for fing around with _yakuzas_! Go home to your mother!" (1)

* * *

Rahne was picking the petals off the sunflower one at a time. "I tell him. I tell him nae. I tell him. I tell him nae." She plucked off the last petal. "I tell him."

"Are you trying to tell me it took **all night** for you to do that?" Forge said.

Rahne ignored him and ran outside. "Sam!" she yelled. "Sam, there's something I want-" She stopped when she realized that Sam wasn't there.

And then the sun came up. Cue cheesy B-rated dramatic music! Rahne turned back into a human, and THEN Sam came walking up. In a very pissy mood.

"Sam!" Rahne ran down the stairs. Then she noticed Sam's pissy attitude. "Are ye all right?"

"Perfect!" Sam said. "Never been better."

"There's something I have to tell ye," Rahne said.

"Yah doan have ta tell meh anythang, Princess," Sam said. "Ah heard enough last naht."

"Ye heard what I said?" Rahne asked.

"Every word," Sam said, sitting down on the stairs.

"(cough)LIAR!(cough)" Ray coughed. "Sorry, I must be congested."

They both ignored him.

"I thought ye'd understand," Rahne said.

"Oh, Ah understand," Sam said. "Lahke yah said, 'Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?'"

Bobby popped up. "Do I have to go over the 'Beast' thing **again**?" he demanded.

"Shut up, ye supposed to be asleep," Rahne said.

"_Touché_," Bobby said, and fell over, snoring.

"I thought that would nae matter to ye," Rahne said to Sam.

"Yeah, well, it does," Sam snapped.

Rahne looked like she was about to cry.

Then a horse whinnied. "Raht on tahme," Sam said. "Princess, Ah brought yah a little somethang." They turned to see Pietro riding up on an ugly horse (coughSCOTTcough).

Bobby finally woke up. "What'd I miss?" he said. Then he almost got trampled by Scott – I mean, the horse. "Rude much?" Bobby muttered.

"Princess Rahne," Pietro said.

"As promised," Sam said. "Now hand it over."

"Very well, ogre," Pietro said as Evan gave Sam a scroll of paper. "The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind." He turned to Rahne. "Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Pietro."

"Lord Pietro?" Rahne said. "Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short…" Pietro snapped his fingers, and Evan lifted him out of the extended armor and set him on the ground. "…Farewell."

"That's so sweet," Pietro said. "You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings."

"Nay, ye right," Rahne said. "It does nae."

"Princess Rahne," Pietro said. "Beautiful, fair, flawless Rahne, I ask your hand in marriage." He took her hand and knelt. Of course, since he's so short, Rahne had to bend down quite a lot. Pietro kept his eyes determinedly set on Rahne's face, despite the fact that the Authoress is being sadistic and teasing him. (She's bending over…thinkabout Pietro for a minute…also think of the innuendos I've been doing. Get it?) "Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?"

Rahne looked up at Sam, who had been watching. Sam quickly looked back down at his deed. "Lord Pietro, I accept," she said. "Nothing would make-"

"Excellent!" Pietro interrupted her. "I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed!"

"Nay!" Rahne said. "I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today…before the sun sets."

"Oh, anxious, are we?" Pietro said. "You're right. The sooner, the better." He snapped his fingers, and Evan put him back in the saddle. "There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Evan, round up some guests!"

Rahne hopped up sidesaddle behind Pietro. "Fare thee well, ogre," she called as they rode off. Sam started walking the other way.

Bobby ran after him. "Sam, what're you doing? You're letting her get away."

"Yeah? So what?" Sam said.

"Sam, there's something about her you don't know," Bobby said. "Look, I talked to her last night. She's-"

"Ah know yah talked ta her last naht," Sam said. "Yoah great pals, aren't yah? Now if y'all are such good friends, why doan yah follow **her** home?"

"But I wanna go with you," Bobby said. "…Did that sound gay?" (2)

"Ah live alone!" Sam yelled. "Mah swamp! Meh! Nobody else, understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Assicles!"

"But I thought-" Bobby began.

"Yeah, yah know what?" Sam interrupted him. "Yah thought wrong!"

Piotr started playing a piano and singing.

**I heard there was a secret chord**

Sam got back to his swamp and saw the abandoned tents and put-out fires, etc.

**That David played and it pleased the Lord**

**But you don't really care for music, do ya**

**It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth**

**The minor fall, the major lift**

Sam looked up at the mirror that he had broken while brushing his teeth, then down at the shards that were still lying on the ground.

**The baffled king composing hallelujah**

The shards changed into mirrors hanging from a chandelier in Pietro's castle. Below the chandelier, Rahne was standing in her wedding dress, looking pretty unhappy.

**Hallelujah**

**Hallelujah**

She looked out the window…and the scene shifted to Sam looking out his own.

**Hallelujah**

**Hallelujah**

Sam turned and righted a chair that had fallen on the floor, then saw the dried sunflowers that had fallen out of their vase.

**Baby, I've been here before**

**I know this room, I walked this floor**

Sam picked up a sunflower, looked at it, then threw it into the fire.

**I used to live alone before I knew you**

The fire turned into the one in Rahne's room.

**I've seen your flag on the marble arch**

**But love is not a victory march**

Rahne put the veil over her face, still looking sad. Her reflection in the mirror turned into Pietro's reflection in MMM.

**It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah**

Pietro admired himself in the mirror. Freddie gave him a thumbs up, and MMM grinned.

**Hallelujah**

**Hallelujah**

Rahne looked at the figures of her and Pietro on the wedding cake. After a moment, she shoved Pietro's figure down to his real height.

**Hallelujah**

**Hallelujah**

She turned around to see a suit of armor behind her. The armor changed into Sam, looking beyond depressed in his house. He sighed and leaned back against his table as he stared at the fire.

**And all I ever learned from love**

Bobby was drinking from a stream when he heard a whimpering noise. He looked over and saw…Jubes! She had finally managed to get out of the castle, and was currently crying over – you guessed it – Bobby. Sure, Alex was standing right next to her and eating onions like there was no tomorrow, but it's the thought that counts, right? Right?

**Is how to shoot at someone who outdrew you**

**And it's not a cry you can hear at night**

**It's not somebody who's seen the light**

Bobby dropped his head, then took a deep breath and walked over to Jubes.

**It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah**

**Hallelujah**

Sam was eating – well, more like picking at – his dinner, sitting at the end of his table.

**Hallelujah**

The scene changed to Rahne eating – well, more like picking at – her dinner, sitting at the other end of a table.

**Hallelujah**

She gave up, threw her spoon down, and buried her face in her hands, crying.

**Hallelujah**

The scene changed back to Sam at his end of the table, who was doing the exact same thing.

Then there was a thumping noise. Sam ran outside to see what it was. "Bobby?" he said as he saw Bobby pushing a log on top of a rock. "What are yah doin'?"

"I would think, of all, people, you would recognize a wall when you see one," Bobby said.

"Well, yeah," Sam said, "But tha wall's supposed ta go around mah swamp, not through it."

"It's around your half," Bobby said. "See, that's your half, and this is my half."

"Yoah half?" Sam demanded.

"Yes, my half," Bobby said. "I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work, I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head."

They both turned and looked at Robbie, who had just finished carving a big old rock into the shape of Sam's head. "What?" Robbie said. "I was bored!"

Bobby and Sam blinked very slowly. Then Sam grabbed a stick and shoved it against Bobby's forehead. "Back off!" he yelled.

"No, you back off!" Bobby yelled back.

"This is my swamp!" Sam yelled, shoving against the stick.

"Our swamp!" Bobby yelled, shoving back.

"Let go, Bobby!"

"You let go!"

"Stubborn Assicle!"

"Smelly ogre!"

"Fahne!" Sam dropped the stick, and Bobby fell forward onto his face.

Bobby jumped back up as Sam started walking away. "Hey, come back here! I'm not through with you!"

"Well, Ah'm through with yah!" Sam yelled.

"Uh-uh," Bobby said. "You know, with you it's always, 'Me, me, me!' Well, guess what? Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me, you insult me, and you don't appreciate anything that I do!" Sam walked up to the outhouse. Bobby followed, still yelling. "You're always pushing me around or pushing me away!"

Sam whirled around. "Oh yeah? Well, if Ah treated yah so bad, how come yah came back?"

"Because that's what friends do!" Bobby yelled. "They forgive each other!"

"Oh, yeah," Sam said. "Yoah raht, Bobby. Ah fohgive yah…foah stabbin' meh in tha back!" He went into the outhouse, slamming the door behind him.

"Ohhhhhhh!" Bobby yelled, getting pretty P.O.'d. "You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings."

"GO AWAY!"

"There you are, doing it again just like you did to Rahne," Bobby said. "All she ever did was like you, maybe even love you."

"Love meh?" Sam demanded. "She said Ah was ugly, a hideous creature. Ah heard tha two of yah talkin'."

"She wasn't talking about you," Bobby said. "She was talking about…uh, somebody else."

Sam came out of the outhouse. "She wasn' talkin' 'bout meh?" he said. "Well, then, who was she talking about?"

"Nope, no way," Bobby said. "I'm not saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me, right? Right?"

"Bobby," Sam said irritably.

"No!" Bobby said.

"Okay, look," Sam said. "Ah'm sorry, all raht?"

Bobby scoffed at him and turned away.

Sam sighed. "Ah'm sorry. Ah guess Ah am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can yah fohgive meh?"

Bobby grinned and turned back around. "Hey, that's what friends are for, right?"

"Raht," Sam said. "Friends?" He held out his hand.

Bobby shook it. "Friends."

"So, uh, what **did** Rahne say about meh?" Sam asked.

"What are you asking me for?" Bobby said. "Why don't you just go ask her?"

Sam hit himself on the forehead very D'oh!-esquely. "Tha weddang! We'll never make it in tahm."

Bobby laughed. "Never fear, for where there's a will, there's a way, and I have a way." He whistled, and Jubes came flying down.

"Bobby?" Sam said.

Bobby laughed again. "I guess it's just my animal magnetism," he said.

"Aw, come here, yah," Sam said, giving Bobby a noogie.

"All right, all right, don't get all slobbery," Bobby said. "No one likes a kiss Assicle." Sam climbed up the chain onto Jubes's neck while Jubes lifted Bobby up. "I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet." And Jubes flew off.

* * *

(1) – My favvie part in Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2. Absolutely favvie part. I think I'll parody those sometime. With X23 as The Bride and Pietro as Bill.

(2) – I saw a little Anne Heche there, too. I'm still not 100 percent sure about what person I want for Dizzy/Gil (**The New Guy**). I'm leaning towards Bobby, but I'm also open to ideas!

Click on to the next-to-last chappie!


	10. Kiss an Ogre if You Believe

**..: Kiss an Ogre if You Believe :..**

DISLAIMER: "We purposely trained him wrong…as a joke."

* * *

The bells in the church were tolling, and all the people were going "Ooh" and "Ahh" and etc in reverence.

"People of DuLoc," Magsy began. Lance changed the card in his hand from "Reverence" to "Revered Silence." "We gather here today to bear witness to the union of our new king-"

"Um, excuse me," Rahne interrupted. "Could we just skip ahead to the I Do's?"

Pietro laughed. "Go on," he said to Magsy, flapping his hand.

"Don't you flap your hand at me, boy," Magsy said.

OUTSIDE…

Several knights were standing guard. However, said knights scattered like ants when Jubes landed. Bobby and Sam jumped off, and Jubes looked back at the knights the way a cat does at an escaping mouse. "Go ahead, have some fun," Bobby said. "If we need you, I'll whistle, okay?"

Jubes folded her arms. "I am not a dog!" she said.

"Yeah, but whistling is a lot easier than yelling 'Jubes' at the top of your lungs," Bobby pointed out.

"_Touché_," Jubes said, and ran off.

Sam marched up to the church doors, but Bobby ran in front of him and stopped him. "Wait! You wanna do this right, don't you?"

"What are yah talkin' 'bout?" Sam demanded.

"There's a line you gotta wait for," Bobby said. "Magsy's gonna say, 'Speak now or forever hold your peace.' That's when you say, 'I object!'"

"Ah doan have tahme foah this!" Sam said.

"Hey, listen to me!" Bobby said. "Look, you love this woman, don't you?"

"Yes," Sam said.

"You wanna hold her?"

"Yes."

"Please her?"

"Yes!" Sam yelled, starting to get more than a little irritated.

"Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness!" Bobby sang. "The chicks love that romantic crap!"

"All raht! Cut it out!" Sam said. "When does Magsy say tha lahne?"

Bobby opened his mouth, then closed it. "We gotta check it out."

"And so, by the power vested in me," Magsy said inside the church. Bobby flew by a window near the door.

"What do yah see?" Sam asked as he tossed Bobby back up.

"The whole town's in there!" Bobby said. Sam tossed him up again. "They're at the altar!" Sam tossed him again, and Bobby realized something. "Mother Fletcher, he already said it!"

"Oh, foah tha love of Pete!" Sam yelled, running inside. Bobby landed on the ground with a thud behind in.

The doors to the church burst open just as Rahne and Pietro were about to kiss, and Sam ran in. "Ah object!" he yelled.

"Sam?" Rahne gasped. Magsy closed his book and stomped off.

"Oh, now what does he want?" Pietro said.

Sam ran up the aisle, causing a sort of ripple effect through everyone in the pews. "Hi, everyone," Sam said. "Havin' a good tahme, are y'all? Ah love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean."

"What are ye doing here?" Rahne said.

"Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you," Pietro said, "But showing up uninvited to a wedding-"

Sam cut him off. "Rahne!" he said. "Ah need ta talk to yah."

"Oh, now ye wanna talk?" Rahne said. "Well, it's a little late for that, so if ye excuse me-" She bent down to kiss Pietro.

Sam grabbed her arm. "But yah can' marry him," he said.

"And why not?" Rahne demanded.

"Because – because he's just marrying you so he can be kang," Sam said.

"Outrageous!" Pietro said. "Rahne, don't listen to him."

"He's not yoah true love," Sam said.

"And what do **ye** know about true love?" Rahne said.

"Well – Ah – uh – Ah mean-" Sam stuttered.

"Oh, this is precious," Pietro said, laughing. "The ogre has fallen in love with the princess!"

Lance changed his sign to "Laugh", and everyone did.

"An ogre and a princess!" Pietro gasped, still laughing his head off.

"Sam, is this true?" Rahne asked.

"Who cares? It's preposterous!" Pietro said. He grabbed Rahne's hand. "Rahne, we're but a kiss away from our 'happily ever after.' Now kiss me!" He puckered his lips.

Rahne looked out the window at the setting sun. "'By night one way, by day another.' I wanted to show ye before," she said to Sam, backing up into full view of the sun – or rather, lack of sun. And she went lupine.

Sam was pretty shocked. "Well, uh…that explains a lot," he said.

"Ew! It's disgusting!" Pietro yelled. "Guards! Guards!" Evan dupes came running in. "I order you to get that out of my sight right now! Get them!"

The Evans grabbed Sam and Rahne (although I still don't get why Rahne couldn't have busted out some kung-fu), and Pietro grabbed the crown and put it on his head. "This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See?" he yelled, pointing at his crown.

Sam was fighting off some of the Evans – which really weren't that hard to fight off – but there is strength in numbers, and there were way too many Evans. "I'll make you regret the day we met!" Pietro yelled at Sam. "I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! And as for you, my wife," Pietro said to Rahne, pointing a dagger at her, "I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I am king! I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have-"

Sam freed one of his arms and whistled. Jubes burst in through a window above Pietro. She grabbed him and swallowed him whole.

"All right, nobody move!" Bobby yelled from where he was sitting on Jubes's neck. "I've got a Jubilation here, and I'm not afraid to use it!" Jubes roared for effect. "I'm an Assicle on the edge!"

Jubes coughed up Pietro's crown. "Celebrity marriages," Bobby said. "They never last, do they?" Despite the fact that they were in the vicinity of a dragon, the other people were pretty relieved and even laughed. "Go ahead, Sam," Bobby said.

Sam walked up to Rahne. "Uh, Rahne?"

"Yes, Sam?"

"Ah – Ah love yah," Sam said.

"Really?" Rahne said.

"Really really," Sam said.

"I love ye too," Rahne said.

They kissed, and then that sparkly golden glow surrounded Rahne, blowing out all the windows. Well, except for one stubborn one. Jubes punched that one out herself.

And yet, after all the sparkly golden glowingness went away, Rahne was still lupine.

Sam ran over to her. "Rahne, are yah all raht?"

"Well, yes," Rahne said. "But I do nae understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful."

"But yah **are** beautiful," Sam said.

Fred grabbed a sign from Lance and wrote "Aaaaaaw" on the back of it.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwww," everyone said.

Bobby sniffled. "I was hoping this would be a happy ending," he said.

Sam and Rahne leaned in to kiss, then noticed the camera. Sam put his hand over the lens…

And when Forge finally pried it off, Sam and Rahne were still kissing. But that was because they were now officially married. Kurt started singing.

**I thought love was only true**

**In fairy tales**

Robbie hit three notes on his bass. "OY!"

**Meant for someone else**

**But not for me**

Some of the people of DuLoc and all of the fairy tale creatures were cheering.

**Love was out to get me**

**That's the way it seemed**

Sam and Rahne ran down the aisle.

**Disappointment haunted all my dreams**

Tabby turned an onion and Ray and Alex into a big onion carriage and two horses with Forge's RLLT, and Sam and Rahne got in.

**And then I saw her face**

**Now I'm a believer**

Rahne tossed her bouquet. Shadow White shoved Amarella, who bitch slapped her as they both jumped for it.

Then Jubes grabbed it, turning to Bobby expectantly.

**Not a trace**

**Of doubt in my mind**

Bobby jumped and turned to Sam for help.

Sam mock-saluted him. "That's not helpful!" Bobby yelled, but nuzzled Jubes.

**I'm in love**

_**Oooooooh-ahhhhh**_

**I'm a believer**

**I couldn't leave her**

**If I tried**

The carriage rode away, and all the people/creatures/things clapped and waved after them.

"_Dieu_ bless us," Remy said. "Every one."

Kurt hit his drumsticks together. "Come on!" Bobby yelled, then started singing the remix.

**Then I saw her face**

**Now I'm a believer**

**Listen!**

**Not a trace**

Baby Jamie, Johnocchio, and several Robbies did the Can-Can.

**Of doubt in my mind**

Amarella danced with the real Robbie while Shadow White danced with Scott. "You're, like, such a lousy dancer!" Kitty complained.

**I'm in love**

**_Oooooooh-ahhhhh_**, Jubes sang.

**I'm a believer**

**I couldn't leave her**

**If I tried**

The Three Blind Eds were dancing on the organ. Forge knocked Alex over with his cane, then Ray. He tossed his cane up in the air and struck a pose while his came clattered down next to him.

**Then I saw her face**

**Now I'm a believe**

**Hey!**

**Not a trace**

Lance, Baby Jamie, and Evan (the one with the big Pietro head) were playing Limbo, using Johnocchio's nose as a stick. Needless to say, when it was Evan's turn, he fell over.

**Of doubt in my mind**

Amarella, Friar Todd, Petit Piotr, and Kurt, Robbie, Ray, Lance, and Evan the Merry Men did the Macarena.

**I'm in looooooooooooove**

**I'm a believer!**

Remy was on the top of Rahne and Pietro's wedding cake, and was having a grand old time pounding Pietro's figurine into the cake.

**I believe**

**I believe**

**I believe**

**I believe**

**I believe**

**I believe**

**I believe**

**I believe**

**I believe**

**Hey!**

**Sing it with me!**

Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler breakdanced and hit shexy poses.

**I believe!**

_**I'm a believer**_

Remy danced with Rahne's cake figurine.

**I believe!**

**People in the back!**

**I believe!**

_**I'm a believer **_

**I believe!**

Sam and Rahne's carriage rode off into the sunset. The picture froze and zoomed out to reveal the end of a book.

**I believe!**

The writing at the bottom read, "And they lived ugly ever after. The End."

The book closed. It was titled, "Redneck Shrek."

**I belieeeeeeeeeeeve!** Bobby sang, and trailed off into insane laughter. "By the way," he added, "**That** book is Ray's."

* * *

Yep, that's the end of Redneck Shrek. But click on for the Redneck Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party! 


	11. Redneck Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance

**..: Redneck Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party :..**

By the way, to anyone who has **Shrek** on DVD and a DVD player that still plays the sound when you fast forward it, do that for the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party! I LUVERZ doing that on my computer, it's so funny!

DISCLAIMER: "That girl was -bzzt- so yesterday -bzzt- like pieces of me -bzzt- it's supernatural!" (1)

* * *

"Hi, everybody!" Sam said, waving at the camera. Wow, he's hyper…it's kinda creepy. "Welcome to tha Redneck Shrek in tha Swamp Karaoke Dance Party!" He pressed a button on the stereo. "Ah'm gonna take thangs down a little bit with one of mah personal favorites."

**Doan go changin'**

**Ta try and please meh**

**Yah've never let me down befoah**

**Mmm-mmmmm-mmmm…**

Rahne grabbed the mic.

**I made it through the wilderness**

Johnocchio did a little scratching on the record.

**Ye know I made it through**

More scratching.

**Dinnae know how lost I was**

**Until I found ye**

Bobby's turn. Jubilation was dancing behind him

**Yeah!**

**I like big butts and I cannot lie**

**You other brothers can't deny**

**That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist**

**And a round thing in your face**

**You get-**

Jubes knocked him over with her tail.

**Feelings**, Fred sang.

Remy Hood popped up. Petit Piotr and the Merry Men popped up behind him.

**It's fun t' stay at de**

**Y-M-C-A!**

Petit Piotr and the Merry Men did the YMCA behind Remy.

**It's fun t' stay at de**

**Y-M-C-A!**

Tabby grabbed Forge's RLLT and zapped him. "Cajunbread Man time!"

Remy groaned, but walked over to the fallen mic. Behind him, the Three Blind Eds were harmonizing.

**Do y' really want t' hurt _moi_?**

**Ow!**

Remy spun around on his cane.

**Do y' really want t' make _moi_ cry?**

**_Oh, oh, oh, oh,_** Alex, Forge, and Ray sang the lead-in to Pietro's bit.

**Staying alive**

**Staying alive! **Pietro sang as he held up a lit match inside Jubes stomach.

**Oh, oh, oh, oh**

The Big Bad Avalanche's turn!

**Who let the dogs out**

**_Who, who, who, who,_** Kurt, Wagner, and Nightcrawler sang.

**Who let the dogs out**

_**Who, who, who, who**_

"Yahoo!" Kurt yelled.

"Say, get up!" Bobby said. "And dance to the music!"

**_Boom, boom, _**The Three Blind Eds sang.

**_Boom, boom,_** The Three Little Elves sang.

**_Ba-doom_**, The Three…er…Not-Bears sang. Curses, Jean's been reanimated! Eh-heh…why am I doing so many puns?

_**Dance to the music**_

**_Dance to the music_**, Shadow White and Amarella sang.

**All we need is a drummer**, Johnocchio sang.

**For people who only need a beat**, MMM sang.

**Yeah**, Robbie sang.

"Break it down, Wolfsbane," Bobby said, and Rahne played a sick beat on the drums. "Freddie, my man!"

**I'm gonna add some bottom**, Freddie sang.

**So that de dancers just won' hide**, Remy sang.

"Take it, Sam!" Bobby yelled.

**Yah maht lahke ta hear mah organ**, Sam sang as he played the organ.

**I said, Ride, Sally Ride! **Bobby sang.

_**I can't see me loving nobody but you**_

**_For all my life_**, Sam and Rahne sang.

Everyone else joined in.

_**Dance to the music**_

_**Dance to the music**_

"Sam, you're not dancing yet!" Bobby yelled.

Everyone started dancing.

_**Dance to the music**_

_**(Somebody needs to)**_

_**Dance to the music**_

_**(Somebody needs to)**_

_**Dance to the music**_

_**(Somebody needs to)**_

_**Dance to the music**_

_**(Somebody needs to)**_

_**Dance to the music!**_

"Hey, watch the nose!" Bobby yelled at Johnocchio. "Can you zap us back?" he asked Tabby.

Tabby thought about it. "I could be sadistic and say no," she said, "Or I could be sadistic and say yes."

"…How're y' bein' sadistic if y' say _oui_?" Remy asked.

"Because the Authoress has decided to parody the movies now, before they get pushed back too much," Tabby said.

"What movies?" Alex asked.

"Well, you're not in them, so I wouldn't worry," Tabby said, zapping him back to normal. "And neither's Forge, Robbie, Ray, Evan, Amara, Rahne, Sam, Kurt, Lance, Freddie, Pietro, Wanda, Remy, Monkey Dude, Warren, Hank, Dani, or X23. Or me," she added. "But Kurt, you're in for a doozy when the sequel comes around. And some of you will be fillers for other characters. Oh, and Warren, thank your lucky stars."

"Why?" Warren asked.

"Because for X3 – or whatever they're going to call it – they were thinking about making Angel a girl," Tabby said cheerfully.

"GAH!"

"Don't worry, you're a guy," Tabby assured him "…I think." She shrugged. "Anyway…Petey, buddy, can you restrain Remy for a minute?" Piotr looked confused, but did. "Good. Now, the main issue with this movie is…" She paused dramatically. "BOGUE."

"…Wha?" Kurt asked.

"BOGUE," Tabby said irritably. "Bobby/Rogue. I actually have no clue if that's what you call the ship. Would someone please dump some water on Bobby?" Bobby had passed out after hearing his name with Rogue's. "Oh, thanks." Wanda, Kitty, Jubes, Amara, and Rahne were all sitting on Rogue to keep her from bolting.

Bobby popped up after Ray dumped water from a nearby vase on him. "I just had the weirdest nightmare," he said. "Tabby said that me and Rogue were gonna have to be…together…" He trailed off when he saw the girls sitting on Rogue, and not only Piotr but also John, Kurt, and Lance restraining Remy. "Oh, crap." Robbie powered up, tackled Bobby, and sat on him before he could get away.

Tabby grinned sadistically. "Okay, Forge, you can take over," she said cheerfully. "Good luck."

Forge crossed himself. "Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch," he said. (2)

"But you don't wear spectacles," Jamie said.

"I don't think you have a watch, either," Kurt added.

"I didn't know you have a wallet," Jubes said.

"You have testicles?" Tabby said.

Forge just glared.

* * *

(1) – Skyson's ficcie **The XBand, The Trilogy That Wouldn't Die!** I thought that quote would only be fitting for this chappie, considering it's karaoke.

(2) – **Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me**.

And yes, my friends, that is the end! Up next: X-Men: The Movie! Yep, that'll be insane. Poor Forge. I really should stop making him the Director…nah! And Tabby's officially his unofficial Assistant Director. Yep yep! However, my X-Men DVD is currently in San Jose with my mom, her fiancé, his brother, and the brother's kids. I won't have the DVD again until Tuesday, so that's when I can start the parody! I found a script, but it's a long one from before they cut a lot of stuff, so I still have to check against the movie. Until then…do review!


End file.
